You Might Be A Complete Tool If... @ LaughNet

You Might Be A Complete Tool If...

This list of ways that people can be totally stupid (not to mention annoying to various people) was compiled by various anonymous individuals at anonymous workplaces in the US. The list has been anonymized to protect the innocent (and employers). Any connection between this list and any retail outlets or real life incidents is mere coincidence. Anyway, here is the list. Enjoy!!

...you call up one store asking for the phone number to their competitor.
...you call and ask for a book, only knowing a broad subject area for the book you want, and not knowing such important items as author, title, ISBN, or even a publisher.
...you enter a store, pass two cashiers, the customer service desk, numerous supply clerks, and finally coming to the back of the store at the info desk to ask, "Where are the catalogs?"
...you fail to recognize the titles or course numbers of courses you are taking.
...you look in the yellow pages, and come to the conclusion that the Va. Beach store is located in Norfolk.
...you think that a bookstore or a clothing store is a Ticketron Outlet.
...you call up the store asking when they are open, when the store hours are posted outside the store, in the local newspaper, in the phone directory, etc, etc,...
...you wait until the eighth week of classes to begin looking for your books.
...you actually believe someone else when they tell you that the store has the product you're looking for!!
...you actually believe those stories about dropbears that an Australian tells you!
...you wander into a store with a backpack or other large bag wondering, "I wonder what those large cubicles right next to the door are for?"
...you are a student at a school who does not know where his/her own school is located.
...you wander through a bookshelf looking for the rulers!!
...you walk up to the cashier, hand them four books, and ask, "do these cost anything?"
...you come into a store execting the store clerks to want to hear every boring detail of your freakin' life!!
...you wander around the store looking for the customer service desk, failing to recognize the HUGE sign that says, "Customer Service."
...you expect an employee/staff discount without any type of identification. [ applies mostly to large stores. ]
...you do not recognize the importance of speaking English while in stores in the United States.
...you think you can simply walk out of the store without paying if you have a scholarship or gift certificate of some sort, with total disregard to a large sign at the customer service desk pointing out, "Scholarships," or, "Gift Certificates."
...you post a message to the rec.humor newsgroup looking for the canonical list ftp site, despite numorous postings by the maintainer telling you where it is.
...you are an adult who does not understand the difference between a.m. and p.m.
...you are a mother of a military recruit who can't trust her little soldier to get it right!!
...you call the advising center to see if you are required to take this optional placement test!
...you call an airline reservation office for advice on how to handle your teenage daughter.
...you desire to ride inside the kennel with your dog to avoid having to pay for an airline ticket.
...you think that a ".html" extension on the end of world wide web files stands for "hatemail".
...you call a retail outlet and desire to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb ???
...you are an adult who does not know how to spell the name of the town you are from!!
...you fail to recognize the name "Iowa" as being a state.
...you have a wierd, misconceived notion that one needs to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia (he obviously doesn't get the joke!).
...you are asked what city you want to go to in Arizona and respond, "Oh, is it a big place?"
...you are a woman from Denver who has never heard of Cinncinnati.
...you are from Minneapolis and had no clue that there is more than one city in the south!!
...you ask if, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?"
...you attempt to pay for an airline ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone you are calling from.
...you ask if an airline flies to exit 35 of the New Jersey Turnpike.
...you ask if an airline flies to area code 304.
...you can't figure out a simple concept as, "if an airline comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
...you think you can get a free round trip ticket to Europe by reciting, "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
...you want to fly to Hippopotamus, NY.
...and when asked if Hippopatamus was near Syracuse, Albany, of Buffalo, you respond, "Buffalo! Oh, I knew it was a big animal!!"
...you try to catch a flight to Maconga, when in reality, you are actually flying to Macon, GA.
...you are filling out a Computer Questionnaire which asks you to list all programming languages, and you type in SPANISH.
...when the computer prints a message on screen to "insert your diskette", you insert a student ID card and then ask what's wrong.
...if the computer gives an error message, "batch file is missing", you profess loudly that you did not steal it.
...you always ask, "Is that a round-trip fare?" even after being quoted the round-trip price explicitly. [ and vice-versa ]
...you insist that you can't go stand-by on a flight because you are in a wheelchair.
...you are told that you have a connecting flight to Knoxville, and wonder what the plane sticks to?
...you want to go to a city in Illinois, and when asked what city that is, you respond, "Cleveland, Ohio."
...you need to know why you have to change clothes on a flight between Chicago and Washington (as she as told she had to make a change between two cities).
...you go through the 8 items or less checkout line at a supermarket with at least 12 items.
...you think the toy department or the video game display is where the store's child care center is.
...you walk right by the item you're looking for to ask a salesperson where is is.
...you seem to have trouble finding the 'any' key when your computer screen says "Press any key to continue."
...you can't seem to find the 'any' key on your computer and your classmates/colleagues can convince you to press control-alt-delete ...
...you call up a bookstore to hear the opening message, "This is the general bookstore, can I help you?" only to respond, "Is this the general bookstore?"
...you ask if the schedules are in or when the schedules are due after failing to comprehend the large signs saying, "CLASS SCHEDULES DUE IN 2 WEEKS."
...you go up to a desk in the bookstore that has nothing to do with textbooks (i.e. supplies or something) and ask about books for your psychology course or something like that.
...you call a retail store and ask, "Oh, you're open?!"
...call the Seattle Mariners to try to see if they know how many calories are in the frozen yogurt sold at the Kingdome!!
...you call a retail store and ask if the person answering has the time to quote the prices of every item in the friggin' store!!
...you call the Mariners and complain about ticket availability for the Seahawks!!
...you call the Mariners to ask when the Cubs are playing the Dodgers.
...you walk through a door with a large sign saying "EMPLOYEES ONLY," and want to know why you couldn't go through the door.
...you type a report and can't figure out why your report took twice as long as the rest of the class when their reports are all double-spaced as the instructor requested.
...you call the Mariners to see if they needed a passport and immunization records to go see the Mariners play in Vancouver, BC.
...you call the Mariners in May to find out what day Nolan Ryan would pitch against Seattle in August!!
...during a major power outage, you call technical support and ask why your computer does not work!!
...you call information and ask when the Mongols invaded China!
...you repeatedly call the shop where you bought your computer to ask questions whose answers are all in the "Setting Up" section of the perfectly good manual you got with the machine!
...you spend twenty minutes on the phone with tech support wondering why your modem won't work when you only have one phone line!!
...you are a woman who goes to the doctor with the complaint that your period is late, ... and can't remember when your last one was!
...you telephone the doctor to ask what the cause of your rash is!
...you came to the ER after midnight to complain about the pain/rash that you have had for the past three weeks!!
...you come to the doctor asking for a refill for your medications, and when asked about their names, dosages, and purpose, you don't know!! In fact, you're so clueless that you don't even know it's a little white pill!!
...you give a phone sales rep your area code when asked for the zip code and vice-versa!!
...when asked for, "your phone number with the area code first," you say it's 555-1234, and that's area code 412!!
...you are locked in the bathroom by an unsuspecting roommate, only to proceed to yell and scream for them to let you out, telling them you have to go to the bathroom!!
...you have wasted your time reading this entire list!!

This list was compiled by Derek Cashman.

This article was added to LaughNet on Wednesday 10 August, 2005.

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