RELATIONSHIPS:
 
 First of all, a man does not call a relationship -- he refers to it as
 "that time when me and Suzie were doint it on a semi-regular basis".
 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
 girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
 she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. 
 Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call 
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
 forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
 know that  there's always a chance for us." 
 This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99%
 if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
 courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
 effective.
 
 SEX:
 
 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
 foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
 
 MATURITY:
 
 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can function
 as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
 giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
 romances rarely work out.
 
 MAGAZINES:
 
 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's magazines
 also feature pictures of naked women.   This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a
 naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
 
 HANDWRITING:
 
 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
 chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in
 their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. 
 Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the
note.
 
 OMEDY:
 
 Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
 television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.  Immediately,
 the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try
 to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.  The women will
 roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
 
 BATHROOMS:
 
 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average 
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not
 be able to identify most of these items.
 
 GROCERIES:
 
 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
 and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
 everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout
 counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
 Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
 10-items-or-less lane.
 
 SHOES:
 
 When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit , then
slip on Reebok sneakers.  She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
 Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five
 minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the
desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
 
 
 LEG WARMERS:
 
 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time she
 wants.  A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
 "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
 
 GOING OUT:
 
 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. 
 When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
 
 CATS:
 
 Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
 men kick cats.
 
 OFFSPRING:
 
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
 dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
 favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely
 aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 LOW BLOWS:
 
 Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh, gee.  That must
have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
 
 DRESSING UP:
 
 A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals.
 
 DAVID LETTERMAN:
 
 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. 
 Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
 
 LAUNDRY:
 
 Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of
 clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
 years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of
 clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
 take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
 of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
 
 WEDDINGS:
 
 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
 talk about "the bachelor party".
 
 SOCKS:
 
 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweat socks.  Women
 wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have
 pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
 
 NICKNAMES:
 
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
 each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob
 and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
 other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
 
 EATING OUT:
 
 ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in
 $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have
 anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. 
 When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 MIRRORS:
 
 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.  Women are
 ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
 mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
 
 MENOPAUSE:
 
 When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
 emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree
 of these changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man provokes
 a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
 leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
 
 THE TELEPHONE:
 
 Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone to
 send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend
for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.
 
 DIRECTIONS:
 
 If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
 surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men
 consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men wil never stop and ask for
 directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
 things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
 I'm in the general neighborhood.  I recognize that 7-11 store."
 
 ADMITTING MISTAKES:
 
 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who admitted
he was wrong was General George Custer.
 
 RICHARD GERE:
 
 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men hate
 Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
 health club and dates only married women.
 
 MADONNA:
 
 Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.
 
 TOYS:
 
 Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of 11
 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with
 toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
 silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. 
 Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers. 
Small robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video games.  Anything that
 blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
 
 PLANTS:
 
 A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man
 waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to an
 apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.
 
 CAMERAS:
 
 Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state
 of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. 
 Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course, women always end up taking
 better pictures.
 
 LOCKER ROOMS:
 
 In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
 well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. 
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex.  And not in abstract terms,
 either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
 
 GARAGES:
 
 Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.  Men use
 garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages, they watch
 TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
 
 MOVIES:
 
 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
 is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
 man.  The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard
 Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.
 
 JEWELRY:
 
 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with wearing
 one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Vic.
 
 SPORT ARENAS:
 
 Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. 
The women usually end up following men.
 
 TIME:
 
 When a woman says she'll be redy to go out in five more minutes, she's
 using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's
 just got five minutes left.  Neither of them is counting time outs,
 commercials, or replays.
 
 CONVERSATION:
 
 Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.",
 "What are you, nuts?  No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well,
 maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc.  Women, not
 having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying
 something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely."  "Mm
 hmm."  Pause.  "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" 
 "Yeah."  Pause.  And so on.
 
 FRIENDS:
 
 Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.  Men on a boys' night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or
 "Got any more beer?"
 
 RESTROOMS:
 
 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.  Women use restrooms as
 social lounges.  Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
 Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
 friends.  And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself
 from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a
 leak.  Do you want to join me?"