To My Dear Wife,

   During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
 have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed
 often.

   1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
   2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
   3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
   4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
   5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
   6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
   7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
   8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
   9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
   10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
   11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
   12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
   13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
   14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
   15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
   16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
   17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

   Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
 because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there
 was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it
 over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had
 finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


   To My Dear Husband,

 I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the
 real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

   1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
   2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
   3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
   4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
   5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
   6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
   7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
   8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
   9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
   10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
   11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
   12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
   13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
   14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
   15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
   16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
 you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
 ceiling.  What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.
 The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
 breathe!!