Why Does He Always Have To... @ LaughNet

Why Does He Always Have To...

Be dressed and ready to go before you are?

Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?

Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?

Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because of their acting ability?

Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?

Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?

Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many charming containers you provide?

Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?

Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?

Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told her what a beast he's been all week?

Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?

Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?

Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?

Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore unasked?

Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?

Get lost rather than ask directions?

Wait until you are dressed and made-up to suggest a quickie?

Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?

Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as in, "Did you take Route Seven?" "The Taconic was bumper-to-bumper").

Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and pans for you?

Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?

Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?" when it's right in front of him?

Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?

Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's just single-handedly built the railroad?

Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?

Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?

Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me homemade lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"?

Hit the shower immediately after sex?

Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve Popsicles?

Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys? as though you watch his every move?

Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel surf) for the rest of the evening?

Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as you're leaving to go shopping?

Leave his shoes in the living room?

Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped empty plate back in the fridge?

Readjust himself (private parts) in front of you as if you're not looking?

Forget to zip his fly?

Accuse you of having PMS?

Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?

Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have to say is important?

Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?

This article was added to LaughNet on Wednesday 16 March, 2005.

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