~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       The 9 Types of Boyfriends
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
  Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, 
  Snugglepup
  Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
  Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
  
  Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's 
  stay home and watch TV."
  Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow 
  Mover, Jerk
  Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
  Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass
  
  Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
  Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
  Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
  Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
  
  Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
  Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' 
  Dumb
  Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
  Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
  
  Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
  Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
  Advantages: Well rested; easy target
  Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
  
  The Sneak - "Who, me?"
  Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
  Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
  Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
  
  Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed 
  weasels, OK?"
  Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
  Advantages: Perpetually aroused
  Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
  
  The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how, 
  but--"
  Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
  Advantages: Tells good stories
  Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
  
  Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like 
  crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
  Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
  Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
  Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       The 9 Types of Girlfriends
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't 
  have"
  Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, 
  doormat
  Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
  Disadvantages: May wise up someday
  
  Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of 
  a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
  Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from 
  Hell
  Advantages: Pays attention to you
  Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
  
  Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
  Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
  Advantages: Predictable
  Disadvantages: Contagious
  
  The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.  
  Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
  Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
  Mom 
  Advantages: Often right
  Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
  
  Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my 
  career, goals, home, and hair color?"
  Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
  Advantages: Easily soothed
  Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
  
  Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love 
  onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
  Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
  Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
  Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
  
  Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering 
  at"
  Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, 
  iceberg, Snarly
  Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
  Disadvantages: You will have no friends
  
  Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I 
  feel about our relationship"
  Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, 
  Artistic
  Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
  Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
  
  Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my 
  handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed 
  weasels now"
  Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
  Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
  Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you