How To Translate Womenspeak

When She Says                          She Really Means
-------------                          ----------------
No.                                    Yes.
Of course I'm not upset.               Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you.  Bob and I   Bob and I are having sex.
   are seeing each other.
I feel like I've known you my whole    I'm drunk.
   life.
Will you respect me in the morning?    You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date.      I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.                  Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
                                          the first few times.
You're...so manly.                     You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello?  Oh yes.  Didn't we meet at     I've been waiting by the phone for three
   the bar Friday night?                  days.
Let's not talk "commitment".  Let's    I'm not taking any birth control pills.
   just see what happens.
You're certainly lovely tonight.       Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here.  It must  I've been following you all day.
   be fate.
I'm particular about who I have sex    I draw the line at barnyard animals.
   with.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over-    I'm having my period.
   reacting.
Okay, but I hope you're not            I'm flat chested.
   disappointed.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?  Want to come upstairs and have sex?
C'mon...just come upstairs for a       Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have
   drink.                                 sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge.         You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights.     I have flabby thighs.