1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
   you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisti-
   cated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
   infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
   permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
   Earth. You decide to:
     a. Present it to the president of the United States.
     b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
     c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?
     a. Innocence.
     b. Idealism.
     c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
     a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
        regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
     b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
     c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
        only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
        business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
     a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
        disease.
     b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
        case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
        trapped in this male's trachea!  I am not in any way
        aroused!")
     c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
        home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
        that:
        (1) He is legally within the basepath,
        (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
        (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
            to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
     a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
     b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
     c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
     cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
     a. A cat.
     b. A dog.
     c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leis-
   urely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're
   watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she
   suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
   really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
   knowing where your relationship is going.  She says she's not
   asking  whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that
   you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?
     a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
        but you don't want to rush it.
     b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
        cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
        make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her
        by holding out false hope.
     c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
        and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do
   you tell her?
     a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
     b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
        name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
        her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
     c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to
   her is:
     a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
     b. "They're in school already?"
     c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
     a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
        holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
        intended for your legs.
     b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
        and has to be handled with tweezers.
     c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
        checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are
        not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to
        discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
        the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
        than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
    years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
     a. He was being tested.
     b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
        they finally got there.
     c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
     a. Democracy.
     b. Organized Religion.
     c. Remote control.

How to Score:
 Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."  A real
guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would
score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus
for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.