If you can't say something nice, say it in
Yiddish.

It's not whom you know, it's who you know
had a nose job.

No one looks good in a yarmulke (skull cap).

WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked
salmon.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and
shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese
restaurants.  {What?  You have a problem
with that?}

A good Kugel (noodle pudding) sinks in
mercury.

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There's nothing like a good belch.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?  Nu?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

No meal is complete without chocolate.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida
is the land of milk of magnesia.

One mitzvah (good deed) can change the
world; two will just make you tired.

 If you don't eat, it will kill me. (by a Jewish
Mother)

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing
to do with marijuana.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it,
too!

After the destruction of the Second Temple,
G-d created Loehmann's.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent
off is a mitzvah.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris
(circumcision).  (I've done it.  Never again!)

Next year in Jerusalem.  The year after that,
how about a nice cruise?

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones
on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking
is suspended.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make
sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
But if you can afford it, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid for it.

The only thing more important than a good
education is a good parking spot at the mall.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big
Cadillac and eating dinner at 4 in the afternoon.

There comes a time in every man's life when
he must stand up and tell his mother he's an
adult.  This usually happens at around age 45.