Perfect Day for a Woman

8:15    Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30    Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45    Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15    Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00   Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30   Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00   Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45   Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
13:00   Shopping with friends.
15:00   Nap.
16:00   A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
16:15   Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30   Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:30   Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00   Hot shower. Alone.
22:30   Make love.
23:00   Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15   Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

  Perfect Day for a Man

6:00    Alarm.
6:15    Blowjob.
6:30    Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.
7:00    Breakfast.  Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30    Limo arrives.
7:45    Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15    Private jet to Las Vegas
9:30    Limo to the Glitter Gulch.
9:45    Win big at the tables.
11:45   Lunch. All you can buffet and all you can drink margaritas.
12:15   Blowjob.
12:30   Win big at the tables
14:15   Limo back to airport.  Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30   Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas.  Nap.
15:15   Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30   Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
17:00   Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Frederick's of 
Hollywood models
19:00   Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton acquitted.
19:30   Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York  strip.
21:00   Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban  cigar.
22:00   Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00   Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45   Go to bed.
23:50   Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the  room.