1.  If you have to look at the card to find out what it is,    
      don't eat it.
  2.  If you guessed something completely different than what    
      is on the card, don't eat it.       
  3.  If you look at the the card and still don't know what it   
      is, don't eat it.
  3.5 If the card has both a Genus and a Species, DON'T EAT IT!
  4.  Anything of the color puse or blue or matching the walls of
      Luetner is out of the question--don't even smell it.
  5.  If it eats through your plate, don't eat it
  5.5 If it eats your plate and asks for more, run away!
  6.  If the steam off of it eats through the cieling, run away.
  7.  If it jumps off the table and yells Bonzai, run away.
  8.  If it yells "Food Fight" run away.
  9.  If it yells "please take me out of my missery", throw a    
      fork in it and DON'T EAT IT
  10. If it's culture has sufficiently advanced to the use of    
      simple tools, don't eat it.
  11. If you see it every day for a week, don't eat it and please
      don't date it.
  12. If you think you like something, stop consumption          
      immediatly, it's just the toxins eating into your brain.
  13. If the smell gives you a nosebleed, don't eat it.
  14. If the server is wearing radioactive protection gear, don't
      eat it.
  15. If the server is being dragged into the pan by the entre,  
      don't eat it.
  16. If the server is wearing a Marriot uniform, don't eat it.
  17. If the server has open sores all over his body, don't eat  
      it.
 17.5 If the server is drawing a pentegram and chanting in order  
      to contain the entree, run away.
  18. If you get the feeling McDonald's is healthier, don't eat  
      it.
  19. If you start reminicing about the great food in your high  
      school cafeteria, don't eat it.
 19.5 If there is a sudden, unexplained dissaperence of pigeons,  
      pets, students, and/or faculty, run away.
  20. If you get the feeling the decorations would taste better,
      leave dinning hall immediatly.
  21. If you eat your fork and don't realize it until you go to  
      take your tray up, get off the damn meal plan.
  22. If you have to chew the water or mashed potatoes, don't eat
      it.
  23. If you start spitting out teeth, don't eat it.
  24. If it requires heavey shop machinery to cut, don't eat it.
  25. If it qualifies for a senior citizen discount, don't eat   
      it.
  26. If it demands voting rights, don't eat it.
  27. If it has a tatto, don't eat it.
  28. If you see your dinner reaching for a fork, either grab a  
      weapon or run as fast as you can.
  29. If it develops cold fusion, don't eat it, sell it.
  30. If all else fails, DON'T EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 30.5 If all else fails, DON'T TAUNT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  31. If you have to eat it, don't think about it.
  32. If you have to eat it, for your own sanity's sake, try not
      to think of what it is made of.
  33. If you have to eat it, try not to think where it came from
      or whose hands it has gone through.
  34. Finally, if you have to eat it, don't do so while other    
      people are watching.
        Corralleries to the law:
  The other dinning hall is always better (this is just the      
  human mind's attempt at explaining Marriot and justifying its  
  continued existence)
  The desert on the other side of the dinning hall is always     
  better (this is because you don't have to look at it nearly as 
  long and therefore have not fully contemplated what you are      
  about to put in your mouth.)
  Marriot thinks college students only need to eat once a week or
  so-- have you seen the schedule for opening in January?