Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"  Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he
was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No.  Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan two years ago at the time the book was
prepared.  These doctors fall into two basic categories: those who
are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but
are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry--the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache.  What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but
I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check
over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of
those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like
windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your
primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return, and then
get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.