Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
           of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
           as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
           and clear.
Fault    : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.
Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.
Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.
Fault    : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its
           owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.
Fault    : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.
Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.
Fault    : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain
           loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault    : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
           fluorescent strip across it.
Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm,
           stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the
bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
           dog-ends.
Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom  : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
           see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault    : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
           yourself to a lie in.
                                                                    
Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.
Fault    : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!