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Cardwoo Scrolling

The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  ACTIVITY           CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY           CALORIES BURNED
                                       
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


REMOVING CLOTHES:                      ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
 With partner's consent..........12     Shoes flew off...................35
 Without partner's consent......187     Expression didn't change.........1/2
                                         Orchestra swelled.................6
UNHOOKING BRA:                          Birds sang
 Using two calm hands.............7      Large birds......................7
 Using one trembling hand........36      Small birds......................3
                                        Earth moved......................30

 Lifting partner.................15    PULLING OUT:
 Dragging partner along floor....16     After orgasm......................1/2
 Using skateboard.................3     A few moments before orgasm......500

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:                   PENIS ENVY:
 For normal healthy man...........2.5   For woman..........................3
 Losing erection.................14     For men...........................72
 Searching for it...............115
                                       GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM:                     Despite no formal training,orgasm
 With erection....................1.5   comes easily,naturally............53
 Without erection...............300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                        fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:                    starving...........................2
 If the woman who does it is            Sex on your lunch hour.............3
 Experienced.....................6      Putting it on expense account....20
 Inexperienced..................73      
 If a man does it...............680     AGGRAVATION:
 Add (5) calories for retreiving it     Partner keeps showing plants.......5
 from accross the room.                 Partner insists on cuddling the dog
                                        during foreplay...................14

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:     Partner just visited bathroom for
 Italian- Man on top,woman in           7th time..........................10
 kitchen.........................26     Partner is taking phone calls......7
 Russian- Woman on bottom,              Partner is making phone calls.....40
 Man getting permission..........55    
 American- Both on top...........60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                        By partner's spouse...............60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:   By your spouse...................100
 Bouncing.........................7     Trying to explain.................55
 Sliding around...................9     Trying to remain calm............100
 Serious skidding................12     Leaping out of bed................75
 Whiplash........................27     Getting dressed in one motion....500
                                        Thanking partner quickly...........2
ORGASM:
 Real............................27
 Faked..........................160

This article was added to LaughNet on Wednesday 16 March, 2005.


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