In California (especially Silicon Valley), we don't gripe about the
weather--we gripe about the high cost of housing.  For those of you
just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there),
allow me to offer you:

	  The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
	  **********************************************

What They Say           What It Means
=============           =============
spacious                hole in the wall
			to anyone living in their car
			that's why we're charging $200 above the
			  going rate    

easy access to transportation   Particularly in Mountain View and
			Sunnyvale, this can mean:
			(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
			(b) next to the railroad tracks 
			(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
			(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
			(e) all of the above

friendly staff          Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities          That's the only way we can entice people
			 in this dump.
			Would you pay this high rent AND the
			 water and garbage?

heated pool             only when the sun's out
			only when there's water in it

workout room            four walls, some free weights, a machine
			 or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views             reach out and touch your neighbor!
			overlooking the garbage dumpster
			overlooking the pool
			overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable              to:
			(a) anyone with an income of $100 K
			(b) anyone with wealthy parents
			(c) anyone who is wealthy
			(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

"Please fill out our    "What?!  You didn't fill out the annual
 marketing survey."      income?  We can't show you anything
			 until you fill that out.  You won't?
			 I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."

pets welcome            kids aren't
			we just never got the odor out

AEK                     All Electricity Kancelled
			EEk!

W/D                             Will be Disillusioned
			With Dogs with big mouths
			Will be Disgusted
			Worried/Depressed people

AC                      Atrocious Carpeting

WWC                     Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!    located in East Palo Alto
			(Complex insurance does not cover bullet
			holes in car, self-protection devices,
			frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy          built as cheap as we could      
			cold and drafty

secure parking          the manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot
			"No one's been robbed on the street."
			covered parking

move in bonus!          no one else wants it 
			it hasn't been rented in six months
			includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

!!!                     desperation is directly linked to the
			number of "!"s used

rustic                  classic 60's decor
			nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta
			 earthquake
			bathroom?  outhouse is in the back
			only one heating vent