Steven Wright Quotes @ LaughNet

Steven Wright Quotes

I got a postcard from my friend George with a picture of the entire earth. On the back he wrote, "Wish you were here!"

Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks.

Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. What do batteries run on?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.

Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a man walked in and asked "If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish.

I lost a button hole.

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.

I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked "Do you live around here often?"

You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flipups.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge.

I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him "Stay". He was really confused, I used to say, "Come here, Stay", "Come here, Stay".

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied "No, I made a few mistakes."

When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

One time the police stopped for speeding and said "Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?" I said, "I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a submarine that has been hit.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night.

When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I was ski diving horizontally.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information.

I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I bought the album.

Last time I was at the movies, I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was the concession stand prices were outrageous. Besides I hadn't had a BBQ in a long time.

I went to the cienama. Adults for $5 and children $2.50. I said, "All right give me 2 boys and a girl."

One time I went to a drive-in, in a cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to a place to eat that said "Breakfast Anytime". So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark.

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings were up on refrigerators.

The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The woman says "Yes." I said, "May I speak to him please?" She said, "No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, "All right, I'll wait."

If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what would they do?

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't

have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is.

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph.

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.

I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney.

I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half mile.

I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen.

Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent.

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

My watch is 3 hours fast and I can't fix it. So I have to move to Boston.

This article was added to LaughNet on Tuesday 09 August, 2005.

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