REDMOND, WA - Financial kingpin Bill Gates was unreachable at press time
to comment on a giant sucking vortex that materialized above Microsoft
headquaters last week, wreaking havoc and chaos upon the employees of
the multimedia mogul.

Seven dismembered technicians were found strewn about the offices, many
with demons and winged serpents feasting upon their flesh. Fortunately
work was not delayed by this ghastly and gruesome crime, for the seven
technicians were "assholes anyway," and "couldn't code worth a damn,"
according to their teammates and friends at Microsoft.

Police reports state that Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, became
agitated and summoned the foul demonic beings. His rage apparently was a
result of a recent article in Time magazine in which Gates explained the
rise of Microsoft as "My sweat and blood; it was me alone against the
elements, working out of my garage and eating my mother's cookies, and
had nothing to do with that bastard Allen."

Mr. Allen apparently took offense, and worshipping the evil Lord of the
Damned, set forth the fire and brimstone of hell to plague the halls of
Microsoft. Allen, out on bail and vacationing in Jamaica, refused to
comment, but this statement was supplied by his lawyers: "Mr. Allen
denies all charges, although assures the press that he will promptly pay
for his innocence and see that justice for the rich prevails."

Meanwhile, traffic outside the computer juggernaut's building was
delayed for hours as hundreds of thrill-seekers and Satan-worshipers
from the surrounding countryside lined up in their cars to witness "the
coming of our Lord Gates' majesty," as one local put it. Others,
apparently unshaken by the whirlpool of evil, recorded the event with
their handicams and camcorders as the swirling mass of insanity spewed
black clouds of death. "It was just a matter of time," explained Tanya
Daulton, a local book store clerk who had taken the day off to join the
growing crowds outside Microsoft headquaters. "I'm just glad to have
lived long enough to see it come to pass."

Local police and firefighters contained the milling crowds against the
apocolyptic doom contorting above their heads. When complimented on
their efficient and timely response to the situation, Officer Shmeck of
the Redmond Police Force went on record as saying, "We've had this
contingency covered for years now...and so far we have kept everyone
safe and away from the brimstone." When asked as to the safety of
employees still inside the builiding, Shmeck shrugged and uttered, "Eh."

Four hours later, Satan's minions finally departed, leaving Microsoft's
offices wrecked, employees killed, and bathrooms soiled. Bill Gates was
rumored to have cut short his annual tour of Asian whorehouses to return
to his prodigal company and see to its repairs. Cindy Brockwell, an
employee at Microsoft for 3 years now, witnessed the slaying of several
co-workers first hand. She was overheard in a conversation with herself
as saying, "Well, there goes a perfectly good day, first Satan and now
Bill's coming back."

And as for Microsoft's deadline for its new operating system due out
next fall, dubbed "Windows 6.66", the event has not affected its
unveiling, still being slated 9 months late and years behind in
techincal support.