NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of
Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage.  Several
muppets are known to be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar
the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, roommate,
and occasional lover of Ernie.  The bird is now reportedly
holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's
Store.  New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded
the building.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported
dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with
the New York City Police.  Kermit-the-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet
on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement
building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew
out an upper story window at them in a kamikaze-like attack.
Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic
weapons fire.  Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert,
and Big Bird.  There is no information available concerning Maria.

NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. 
Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird
went on a killing spree on Sesame Street.  Maria, taken hostage during
the ordeal, has survived unharmed.  Three muppets were killed by
the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child),
Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet)
and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend).
Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at
the local Hooper's.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans
to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running
high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the
tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage
situation.  According to bystanders on the scene at the time,
Mr.  Snuffalufagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk
Big Bird down.  Instead, police stormed the building with
deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of
his good buddy Bert.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street
at five o'clock this afternoon.  As thousands of humans driving
home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly
rampage, muppets became enraged.  Hundreds of muppets, large
and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars.
In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car
and beat him with large, Styrofoam letters.  Police again arrived
on the scene in force.  At this hour, quiet is restored -- but
tensions are very high.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to
Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish
atmosphere.  Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches
to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and
firebombing the entire neighborhood.  Orange and blue firelight
is rising over many buildings.  Cardboard backdrops, props, and
storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground.
Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high
above the street with counting and alphabet songs.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to
Sesame Street after a night of rioting.  Smoke rises from most
buildings.  On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute
testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of
muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot
gear.  Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be
seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble.
The Count was reported running down the street crying and
yelling, :"Ten, ten lifeless muppet bodies!" No humans were
killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, friend, and longtime roommate of
the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with
a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral.  The following is the
complete transcript of his address:

"I come here today to honor a man I loved.  A man who was loved
by millions throughout the world.  Bert was a giant among muppets.
His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders.  Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on
Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned
to for advice.  It was Bert who told us all, 'anyone who can hang
as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the
country.'"

"I also come here today to honor Big Bird.  Bird was such a loving
creature.  His large size and bright color alarmed many who first
met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught
us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him,
or to memorialize him, with violence.  All he ever wanted was for
all creatures to 'just get along' with each other.  Big Bird has come
to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault.  It was just some bad 
seed."