To: Residents of Southeastern U.S.
FROM: S. Claus
RE: A new contract for Santa has recently been
negotiated for the 2006 season

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southeastern United States on Christmas Eve.  Dueto the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contractwas renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas
of the Northeast.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:  "These toys
are insured by Smith & Wesson"

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"  And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played  on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I  Want for Christmas Is My
Woman and a Six Pack."


Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209