* Rule number one: If you're traveling, never ever eat in any
  place called "Mom's" -- well, unless the only other places
  in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".
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* Rule number two: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little
  Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters
  are wearing shoulder hostlers, you'd better just leave.
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* Rule number three: If you're waiting in line to be seated at
  a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours
  or a twenty -- whichever comes first.
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* Rule number four: If you're given a choice of tables by the
  maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one
  near a waiter.
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* Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the
  napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own,
  you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
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* Rule number six: If you're in a fancy restaurant & you find
  you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you
  probably can't afford it either
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* Rule number seven: If you've been served bread & rolls while
  awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap
  substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.
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* Rule number seven: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with
  a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table,
  you'd probably better not order anything spicy.