Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
 and decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
 parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
 of being a mother or father.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
   stick a beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine
   months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
   the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the 
   pharmacist to help himself.  Then go to the supermarket.  Arrange 
   to have your salary paid directly to their head office.  Go home.  
   Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
   are already parents and berate them about their methods of
   discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and
   how they have allowed their children to run riot.  Suggest ways in
   which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
   training, table manners, and overall behavior.  Enjoy it--it's the
   last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
   from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
   pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
   go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again
   with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am.  As you can't 
   goback to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 
   2:45am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs  
   in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make 
   breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut
   butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick
   behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your
   fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls.  
   Cover the stains with crayons.  There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy
   an octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the
   string bag so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for
   this: all moring.

7) Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of
   paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube.
   Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
   Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and
   an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
   Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
   on the play group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan.  And don't think you can
   leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars
   don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in
   the glove compartment.  Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in
   the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.
   Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides
   of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
   Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
   again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down
   it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
   inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum,
   dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
   Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
   neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
   house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child 
   for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your
    local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
    to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
    intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
    your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your 
    sight.  Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you 
     can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having 
     children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
    from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl 
    of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying 
    melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the 
    Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure 
    that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 
    12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, 
    and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
    you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!