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NOT NOW and maybe not later, either.

WE'LL ALWAYS STAY ON GOOD TERMS as long as they're my terms.

FOLLOW ME! It's better for us to be lost together.

One good reason for trusting me is that many other foolish people already trust me.

IT'S NOT FAIR THE WAY YOU KEEP RETALIATING AGAINST MY UNPROVOKED ATTACKS.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANY FURTHER TROUBLE I CAN GIVE YOU ...

An unfair method sometimes used to gain control of an organization is to attend all the meetings.

IF YOU CAN'T GO AROUND IT, OVER IT, OR THROUGH IT THEN YOU HAD BETTER NEGOTIATE WITH IT.

Inside every older person, there's a younger person, wondering what happened. (ED: And outside that younger person is the older person, laughing at him.)

Some people can find all the peace of mind they want in a good, satisfying conflict.

LET'S PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS: On somebody else.

THE MORE SURE YOU ARE -- THE MORE WRONG YOU CAN BE.

Everything I am today I owe to people whom it is now too late to punish.

BEWARE! I can do great harm to myself, and blame it all on you.

It would be easier for me to reject all established values if I knew what they were ...

IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's neither ... or both.

If you never try anything new, you'll miss some of the world's great disappointments.

I TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Unlike most people, I'm just an average person.

IN MY OWN SMALL WAY, I AM HELPING PEOPLE if only by leaving most of them alone.

COLD COMFORT: Some of the worst things I've done have probably been forgotten by everyone but me.

I WAS EDUCATED ONCE and it took me years to get over it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are worthless.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON but I don't have to stay and watch.

YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AROUSE VARIOUS EMOTIONS IN ME. Please select carefully.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE -- could you make yours a little friendlier?

IF WE ALL DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IS RIGHT there will assuredly be utter chaos.

I HAVE NO PREJUDICES: all my hatreds are based on solid evidence.

DON'T LET YOURSELF SUFFER NEEDLESSLY! Find a need to suffer.

Today's children are required to learn what most people in former times were forbidden to know.

NOT ALL OUR ARTISTS ARE PLAYING A JOKE ON THE PUBLIC -- SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINELY MAD.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY and I hope it's not a day like this one.

I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR UNREASONABLE DEMANDS IF YOU'LL CONSIDER MY UNACCEPTABLE OFFER.

I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU but there's nobody else around to bore.

INFORM THE TROOPS THAT ALL COMMUNICATIONS HAVE COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN.

I live in a world of my own, but visitors are always welcome.

THE TIME FOR ACTION IS PAST! Now is the time for senseless bickering.

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND -- but some of us are long peninsulas.

It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply as a warning to others.

YOUR REASONING IS EXCELLENT. It's your basic assumptions that are wrong.

BY DOING JUST A LITTLE EVERY DAY, I CAN GRADUALLY LET THE TASK COMPLETELY OVERWHELM ME.

SOMEDAY I'LL GET MY BIG CHANCE or have I already had it?

I hope the day after I die is a nice day.

The odds are a million to one of my being one in a million.

BEEN THROUGH HELL? AND WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK FOR ME?

MY SOURCES ARE UNRELIABLE, but their information is fascinating.

As long as I have you, I can endure all the troubles you invariably bring.

BY STAYING AT THE REAR OF THE ADVANCE, you can be at the forefront of the retreat.

My own imitations on a theme, dedicated to Corvallis, Oregon, 1981:1983: "It's not the fall that hurts, it's the sudden stop at the end."

GULLIBLE AND INSECURE? TAKE HEART. You're certain to find someone arrogant and manipulative to help you.

IF YOU TRY HARD AND PERSEVERE you will eventually gain our utter contempt.

IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FULFILL MY SENSE OF SOCIAL OBLIGATION if fulfilling it didn't annoy everyone so much.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CRUSADE. Send me a report when you're done.

THANKS TO HIGHER EDUCATION AND MASS COMMUNICATIONS, ignorance and superstition have been brought to new and undreamed-of levels of sophistication.

Just because it's hard ... doesn't mean it's worthwhile.

I have no objections to conformism. I just never figured out how to make it pay.

I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS to the questions you are not asking.

TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE who don't love humanity as much as I do.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISMS -- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR? But I think should ask someone else.

I AM EAGER TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. No problems? Let me make some for you.

WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY SAVED THE WORLD FROM ALL THE FOOLISH PEOPLE -- who saves it from you?

YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF CONFUSION AND MISERY until you have searched for enlightenment and happiness.

HOW ARROGANT OF YOU NOT TO ACCEPT my obvious superiority.

You don't need to fix me. I am not broken.

I HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT. So don't go ruining it all by asking me to explain.

If I have to ride in the back of the bus, I'd rather walk.

I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS. I just don't understand why you are proud of it.

I AM SO VERY FORTUNATE THAT MY PERSONAL LIFESTYLE is such a perfect reflection of the absolute good.

ONCE I FELT A NEED TO BELONG AND BE ACCEPTED. Fortunately, I got over it.

Instead of wondering: WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING? -- you might ask instead: WHY DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD?

IF THIS IS RESPECTABILITY, I'll pass.

SINCE YOU STARTED PUTTING UP A FIGHT, it's not fun to harass you any more.

THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS, I finally realized the problem was the people who wanted to help me with my problems.

More of my own clones from later years, much less cynical.

MONEY WON'T BUY HAPPINESS but it's good for a few laughs every now and then.

For some, familiarity does not breed contempt. It simply gives them a chance to express it.

This book is so profound, it bores me to death.

YOU CAN'T BEAT A LOUDMOUTH AT HIS OWN GAME.

When you can laugh at everyone but yourself, you have merely succeeded in mistaking malice for a sense of humor.

Assumptions are like mines: you're never aware of them until they blow up in your face.

I'M SURE I'M NOT THE SILLIEST FOOL ON THE PLANET. I just happen to be the one I know the best.

POWER CORRUPTS. TRIVIAL POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY.

WHEN IN DOUBT be quiet.

AFTER DEALING WITH PEOPLE OF STRONG CONVICTIONS I think there's something positive to be said for being wishy-washy.

A THICK SKIN IS A VIRTUE as long as it doesn't go all the way through your head.

SIMPLY BECAUSE I REJECT YOUR POSITION does not mean I embrace its opposite.

IF YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ANYTHING TO THE PARTY then why are you going?

SOMETIMES YOU CAN EARN PEOPLE'S RESPECT just by keeping your mouth shut until they get used to you.

ROTATE LEFT, ROTATE RIGHT, still a crank.

I NEVER CALL SOMEONE A FRIEND if they're not around to deny it.

THE ESSENCE OF HUMILITY is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and ask if you could do better.

JUST BECAUSE I HAD IT COMING TO ME doesn't mean you're not on my blacklist for doing it to me.

I HELP OTHERS WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES. The rest of the time I help myself.

GETTING OUT OF THE MILITARY IS LIKE REACHING THE BOTTOM AFTER FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. You don't feel so good, but at least you're glad there isn't any more.

LIFE IS A JOKE, but at least it's a good one.

TROUBLESHOOTING A COMPUTER OVER A PHONE IS LIKE HAVING SEX THROUGH A HOLE IN A BOARD FENCE. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is true or not.

IT IS EASY TO PLEASE THOSE WHO ARE EASILY PLEASED. It is absolutely impossible to please those who are not.

PLAUSIBLE ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONSTRUCTED for the dumbest ideas.

IF YOU CAN'T WIN BIG BATTLES, win lots of little ones.

I'm not big on conspiracy theories, as I see things happen more by accident than by design.

I try to respect my elders. I doubt they're wiser than I am, but I'm certain they've taken more abuse.

DAY TO DAY LIFE requires a certain small but unceasing courage.

THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I UNDERSTAND why people become alcoholics.

WHAT FUN IS IT TO BE AN EXPERT if you have to make yourself easy to understand?

IF YOU WERE HANGING OFF A CLIFF, I WOULD HELP YOU UP. But I would think it over a while before I did it.

I'VE NEVER HAD BAD LUCK. Just fits of stupidity.

IT'S EASY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUTE TOWARD THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU if you don't pay too much attention to them.

I LIKE TO THINK I AM A GOOD-NATURED PERSON, despite the lack of supporting evidence.

BODY LANGUAGE, VAGUE AS IT IS, is much less misleading than the spoken word.

IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, you can at least not make it worse.

HE THINKS HE'S A PROPHET, but he's really a loss.

NOTHING CAN CAUSE MORE PAIN, AGONY, AND BLOODSHED than the belief that things will happen the way you expect them to.

TRYING TO PLEASE WOMEN NEVER WORKS. NEITHER DOES IGNORING THEM. But it's a lot less bother.

WHY WORRY ABOUT VIRUSES when there's software out there that is far more dangerous?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, it probably doesn't mean anything.

BELOW THE NOISE THRESHOLD OF THE FEMALE PSYCHE, you do not understand what is going on, and, furthermore, you don't want to find out.

Dedicated to the Aunt Esther to my Fred Sanford:

When she speaks to me, I always have the strangest feeling of being called on the phone ... and then put on hold.

Let's cut through all the logic and get on with the bullshit.

There's no need to be concerned. Your approval is not required.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, but I must admit you say it with impressive conviction.

I wish we were talking on the phone ... so I could at least have the pleasure of hanging up on you.

By others, anonymous and otherwise.

STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and you get hit by traffic going both ways.

THE MORE CRAP YOU TAKE, THE MORE CRAP YOU GET.

THE NEXT BEST THING TO DOING SOMETHING SMART is not doing something stupid. (Andy Capp)

AN EASILY UNDERSTOOD, VALID HALF-TRUTH is more useful than a detailed, incomprehensible truth.

THIS IS SERVITUDE, to serve the unwise. (John Milton)

You're telling me questions and asking me lies.

YOU CAN'T LOSE WHAT YOU AIN'T GOT, YOU CAN'T MISS WHAT YOU AIN'T NEVER HAD. (Muddy Waters and so on)

I ain't bitter, I'm just bitter-sweet. (Rahsaan Roland Kirk)

I'D KICK MY OWN MOTHER IN THE BALLS IF SHE LAID A RAP ON ME LIKE THAT. (Vaughn Bode / Cheech Wizard)

IT'S ALWAYS EASY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP and always impossible to take two steps at a time. (Seymour Cray)

IT IS EASY TO BE KIND TO PEOPLE FOR WHOM ONE CARES NOTHING. (Oscar Wilde)

FLATTERERS LOOK LIKE FRIENDS the way wolves look like dogs.

A MAN HAS MADE GREAT PROGRESS IN CUNNING when he does not seem too clever to others.

RE-ENLISTING IS LIKE SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER TWICE to see if it hurt the first time. (P.J. Czahor)

NEVER WRESTLE A PIG. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.

DEALING WITH THE GOVERNMENT IS LIKE KICKING A 300-POUND SPONGE.

PRIDE MAKES SOME MEN RIDICULOUS but prevents others from becoming so.

IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, no one will like it.

MANY TIMES I HAVE WANTED TO STOP TALKING and find out what I really believed.

IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND THINGS in order to argue about them.

OUR FRIENDS ABANDON US ONLY TOO EASILY and our enemies are implacable. (Voltaire)

KINDNESS IS IN OUR POWER, but fondness is not. (Samuel Johnson)

Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.

You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. (Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein)

I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life. (Paul Krassner)

If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there. (Timothy Leary?)

Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

I am a deeply superficial person. (Andy Warhol)

If it does not smell anymore, you are in it to the eyes.

I think, therefore I'm confused.

It's amazing to find how long it takes to complete something you're not working on.

The more you stir manure, the more it smells.

Love is doomed to fail because men are stupid and women are crazy. (Matt Groening)

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it. (Philip K. Dick)

This article was added to LaughNet on Tuesday 09 August, 2005.

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