Q: WHAT IS P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?

Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: WHY?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q: HOW?

It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of Canada, your living in God's country.

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.

Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.

Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

The general rule is as follows:

IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

Examine the following chart:

      RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
     --------                     -----------
      cows                         cockroaches
      cute bunnies                 flies
      dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
      whales                       sharks
      red squirrels                gray squirrels
      owls                         loggers
      harbor seals                 barnacles

Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes -> The liberal is right. No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?

It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.

Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?

Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.

Q HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-CANADIAN?

Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-Canadian we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-Canadian or either.

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q: I DON'T GET IT.

Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.

Q: IT IS?

Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.

Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.

Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.

In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-Canadian." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.

Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

PC LEXICON

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"


-> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)

Black                           -   African-Canadian
				    (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
				    LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE
				    S-AFRICANS.
				    DOES INCLUDE
				    PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
				    WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

Oriental                        -   Asian-Canadian
				    (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
				    SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

Indian                          -   Native-Canadian
				    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
				       Atlanta Braves
				       Cleveland Indians
				       Kansas City Chiefs
				       Washington Redskins
				     AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)

Chicano                         -   Hispanic
				    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
				       Cheech and Chong
				       Chico and the Man episodes
				       Cisco Kid
				       Rosarita Salsa
				       Speedy Gonzales
				     AVOID!  AVOID!)

White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
				    Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

->  GENDER  <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

Woman                           -   Womyn, Vaginal-Canadian

Girl                            -   Pre-Womyn

Housewife                       -   Domestic Engineer

Fireman                         -   Firefighter

Stewardess                      -   Flight Attendant

Meter Maid                      -   Parking Enforcement Aduciator

Post Man                        -   Post Person

Mail Man                        -   Person Person

Policeman                       -   Law Enforcement Officer
				    Baton Boy
				    Cal. Clubber

Prostitute                      -   Sex Surrogate
				    (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

Mankind, Human                  -   Earth Children

-> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-

Handicapped                     -   Physically Challenged
				    Differently Abled
				    Handi-Capable

Blind                           -  Optically Darker
				   Photonically Non-receptive

Deaf                            -  Visually Oriented

Poor                            -   Economically Unprepared

Bum                             -   Homeless Person
				    Displaced Homeowner
				    Philosophy Major

Hunter                          -   Animal Assassin
				    Meat Mercenary
				    Bambi Butcher

Whaler                          -   Blubber Lovers

Old Person / Elderly            -   4th-Dimentionally Extended
				    Gerontologically Advanced

Conservative                    -   Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

Drug Addict                     -   Chemically Challenged

Bald                            -   Comb-Free

Bisexual                        -   Sexually Non-preferential

Midget, Dwarf                   -   Little People
				    Vertically Challenged

Convict                         -   Socially Separated

Insane People                   -   Selectively Perceptive     
				    Mental Explorers

(person with)                       (person with)
Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Tree-Hugger                     -   Environmental Activist

Logger                          -   Wood Weasel
				    Paper Pirate
				    Treeslayer

Dead People                     -   Dysfunctional Earth Children
				    Biologically Challenged
				    Metaphysically Challenged   
->  MISCELLANEOUS  <-

Broken Home                     -   Dysfunctional Family

HouseBroken                     -   Family Disfunction

Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
				    "Moo-shwitz"

Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim

Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
				    Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury

Cheating (in School)            -   Academic Dishonesty

Used Books                      -   Recycled Books

Trees                           -   Oxygen Exchange Units

Gang                            -   Youth Group

Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -   Culturally Responsive Transportation
Option

Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed

Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
				    Charnel House

Obese                           -  People of  Mass
				   Gravitationally Challenged