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A true news article cut and saved for my dads humor files some time ago. An Error In The Pet Law Arvada, Colo. - A drafting error in the city's animal control ordinance has just been noticed. It provides that if a stray pet picked up by the city is not claimed within twenty-four hours, the owner will be destroyed. City manager Capp Shanks says a correction in the ordinance will be made.
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas; not to mention years of being hunted and killed. They got together in the middle of the Pacific to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed. "What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship, and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up." After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting was was slapping his tail on the water for attention. The leader says, "Yes...Mervin? You have something to say?" Mervin replies, "Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won't swallow any seamen."
What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile? What's with the long face?
Inverness, Fla. A 71-year-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape. "I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye. Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior. He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.
How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold his nose.
What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the Phew!
Absolutely unbelievable. That's right folks, you've heard of the WWF and the AAF, we have the cock fights, the dog fights, and the bull fights and now live to you from Selcuk, Turkey, you've got Camel Wrestling, that's right, Camel wrestling. As seen in Demigogue&Comical. Selcuk, Turkey - In an ancient arena where Roman gladiators once fought to the death, two combatans square off in the dust, surround by 5,000 cheering spectators. It's the start of camel wrestling season in western Turkey, with matches being fought at the stadium of ancient Ephesus, once one of the major Greco-Roman cities of Asia Minor. With exotic names like Emerald, Black Lightning and New World, or more prosaic ones such as Bulldozer II and Quiltmaker, the hump-backed beasts, their jaws bound to prevent biting, are goaded into struggling with each other until referees decide the result. That could be victory, if one crushes the other into the camel equivalent of a wrestling 'pin', or a draw, if they reach a stalemate or if one is injured. The spectators, many with substantial side bets on the outcome, make known their views with boos and cheers. They day is replete with ritual. The title of AGA, a kind of honorary president, is auctioned to the highest bidder, who receives a plaque, a small brass camel and the right to strut about the ring. This time, Ismail Sarpkaya wins the honor with a bid of 510,000 liras, about $670. Sarpkaya, a ruddy-faced farmer, explained tha not only wresting is involved. :Last year we voted Yorganci (Quiltmaker) the most beautiful camel but we will not have that election this year. Much prestige hangs on the outcome of the bouts and irate owners often protest loudly, with helmeted police sometimes called in to intervene. All the wresting camels are male. Topped by colorfully decorated packs, each is led into the ring by his owner, often with a female camel ahead to enhance his interest in the event. Owners and officials crowd around including a team of seven urgancis, pullers off, for each camel, who stand ready to separate them, a crucial role in the unusual sport. Camelmen, as they call themselves, carouse until nearly dawn in two bars on the main strip in Selcuk, the town close to the ruins of Ephesus. Most drink raki, the traditional Turkish anise liquor. The main heavyweight bout of the Selcuk tournament, and the one most of the crowd had been waiting for, ended quickly. Referees called a draw when Bulldozer II, after quickly getting on top, gave Quiltmaker a bloody nose. But with 10 to 15 tournaments each winter season in this area of western Turkey, the old rivals will soon meet again.
What do a walrus and a Tupperware box have in common? Both like a tight seal. What do a walrus and a space shuttle have in common? They are both looking for a tight seal.
The Club - Anti-theft device for seals!
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Where ever you left it!
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? Because their ears are so small!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade? Still no bloody idea What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head? A hat rack What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye deer... What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven? Still no fucking goddamned idea.
What do you get if you cross a supermarket meat counter with a computer? RAM chops!
Toronto, Canada: Archbisop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but he's not the kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind. The University of Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center sent Cram, primate (senior archbishop) of the Anglican Church of Canada, a questionnaire while preparing an international directory of primatology. The envelope was addressed to "George Cram, Primates World Relief and Development Fund." The Reverend Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior archbishop, suggested in a letter of reply that "primates in your study are perhaps of a different species." "While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits," Ingham said. "There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he said. "They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems of reproduction." The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the church from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham. "In our zeal to develop a comprehensive directory, we have strayed on this occasion from the arboreal to the spiritual."
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?" "I was putting on my shoes."
In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight, a free Vancouver weekly, reports Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of Texas is a former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored by the Vancouver Institute earlier this year, he said, "You cannot overestimate the ignorance of the average person. We once did a very interesting experiment. We had an empty pen with a barn at the back. We left the barn door open and put up a sign that read: 'Unicorn. Extinct due to education. Feeds on flower petals. Attracted to virgins.' Most people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced that the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy who said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which Daddy replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'"
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars, and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man, for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted. - Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else," the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Sergeant, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy, I told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel." Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate," he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well, at least it's a large, furry, female mammal," he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later.
Which pine has the longest needles? A porcupine.
How do porcupines make love? Veerry carefully!
From Deutsche Presse Agentur: Dhaka, Bangladesh - Women who can charm snakes are on standby as the Bangladeshi Parliament begins its summer session. Eight deadly cobras have been caught in the sprawling building since last week, when frightened deputies fled the building following a snake alarm. Police and firefighters failed to entice the reptiles from their lairs, and the snake charmers were called in. Abul Hussain, who caught three of the cobras, said more could be lurking in the building. "It is difficult to say how many snakes are still holed up in the building, but it seems several families of cobras moved in during the winter for hibernation when Parliament was not in session," Hussain said. Some deputies are taking no chances and have hired their own snake charmers, officials said.
In June 1994, a judge in Thousand Oaks, California dismissed neighbors' request for an injunction against Kathleen Adams, who the neighbors said lures squirrels to her home with food and thus creates a nuisance. Adams claims the area is populated with squirrels anyway, and that she does not need to lure them. Neighbors' evidence included the fact that Adams posts "Squirrels Welcome" signs in her yard, but the judge said he found the signs unpersuasive in that he doubted that squirrels could read them.
As published in the Earthweek column by Steve Newman: An English pet shop owner has offered a solution to homeowners looking for the security of a guard dog without the responsibility - a frog that barks. The tiny green and yellow amphibian, from Kirbati and Tuvalu, the former Gilbert and Ellice islands in the Pacific, has been a sellout for a shop in Sunderland, northeast England. "They bark as loud as a dog, but cost a lot less to feed," the shop owner insists. "A two pound bag of crickets will last them a whole month."
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.
I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin; different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business. - Bernard Stonehouse
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Bats are not rodents, but are marsupials.
From Aviation Week and Space Technology, Oct 17, 1991: An acoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks, but not against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in Saudi Arabia says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way into F-117 hangars. One night, a hungry bat turned right into an F-117 rudder and fell stunned to the floor. He flew away groggily, leaving behind a heightened impression of the aircraft's stealth. "I don't know what the radar return is for the vertical tails of the F-117 but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the reader said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this - the ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band radar. On another note, I attended a presentation (unclassified) on the F-117 a while ago (when the Air Force finally admitted that it existed), and among the interesting tidbits discussed about the aircraft was that the largest radar cross section is the pilot's helmet.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
From Readers Digest: Every morning, on a plain in Africa, an antelope awakens knowing that it must run fast enough to avoid being eaten by a lion. Every morning on the same plain, a lion awakens knowing that it must run fast enough to catch an antelope to avoid starving to death. No matter whether you are an antelope or a lion, you had better wake up running.
Male seahorses are the ones to bear offspring.
Reuters News Service - China has opened a sperm bank for yaks in Tibet. Previously, "natural" mating methods were used, but this "caused degeneration, resulting in a lower quality of the yak," the Chinese Xinhua news service said. Within six years, it is expected that 100,000-200,000 deposits will be stored. Meanwhile, China's human sperm bank in Shanghai is suffering from a severe lack of deposits, despite men being offered incentives to cooperate. Only "a few tens" of men have come forth in the last seven years and "the majority of those had to be persuaded at length before agreeing," said a story in an official newspaper, Youth Daily.
Shrimps hearts are located in the head.
What did the beaver say to the tree? Nice gnawing you.
Ways To Get Electric Power From Hamsters From: john@soda.berkeley.edu (John Morgan Salomon) The following should be credited to the UC Berkeley CSUA. I left a world- writeable file in my account and waited to see what people would put in it... 1. Stick copper and zinc electrode needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage. 2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static electricity. 3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries. 4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline. 5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine. 6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current. 7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity. 8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine. 9. Cold Fusion -] Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. 10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. 11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff. 12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator. 13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out! 14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells. 15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power. 16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator. 17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine. 18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. 19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. 20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike. 21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. 22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy. 23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. 24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled. 25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of anti-matter, a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power. 26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre. 27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff) 28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free. 29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source. 30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yield 20% more power from the dilithium crystals. 31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit; when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want. 32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red and embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine. 33. Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity. 34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that. 35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters, spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit, use gravity waves to rotate hydro- turbine. 36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards.) 37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires. 38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice. 39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. 40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy. 41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._ 42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity.
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We're diggin' a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir, we're diggin' an asshole."
[This] is a great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come to see us to be able to recognize and identify manure, which will help them in the future. Children need, at an early age, to be able to identify manure. - Mike McElroy of West Lake Hills, TX (in his appeal to the city council to be allowed to keep his pet donkey) reported in the Austin paper in August, 1994, and in News Of The Weird 11/11/94)
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull this plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted in forming nests in the horses manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly. The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors, he went to bird specialists. He called his congressman, he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical music. Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone. In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby reservation. The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him some vile smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses were back to work. The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the medicine man and inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a problem that many veterinarians and the Department of Agriculture couldn't. The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
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