I sit so quietly in class
Until I feel this pain of gas
Which stabs intestines large and small;
I hope there is an empty stall!
Or I could be in bed at nine
And dreaming of a girl so fine,
Then I awake; a siren wails
From in my gut and my entrails.
In either case, I must agree
I always have to poop and pee.
But why?  For now, I'll contemplate
And urinate and defecate.
If I can just ignore the smell,
I'11 try my best to do them well.
Now to avoid those accidents,
Pull down your pants, you gals and gents,
Unsnap the top, unzip the fly,
And let them fall down past your thigh,
And plant your butt cheeks on the seat,
And . .OH MY WORD! My heart is weak.
This seat's an iceberg, minus ten!
As cold as liquid nitrogen!
This morning cold is just the worst.
At least I get to use it first!
Hey, read this writing on the wall
This guy's a homosexual
Who's asking others for some sex
I'11 write the number of my ex!
And now here comes the easy part:
You must fire off a warning fart
To let them know the bombs will fall!
Forget about the other stall;
Let Nature do the rest--sit back!
Let the waste fall out your crack!
It's fecal matter; Hey, good-bye,
Exit out my bottom eye;
But since I'm here, I might as well
Excrete my urine, what the hell!
It takes one minute for a piss,
But just be sure that you don't miss
Don't hit the walls or hit the doors
The janitors hate yellow floors.
Now get your strength back; you'll be strong
When all that stress and strain is gone
You'll have to wipe your fundament
And clean the excess excrement
Just use that roll of little towels
Protects your hands and cleans your bowels....
Unless the stuff's just too damn soft,
And rips so easily enough
That fingers go right straight on through,
Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!
I want some stuff that's strong and fair,
That lets me know that it was there
A couple hours after use,
So nothing gets left hanging loose.
Yes, toilet paper--that's the stuff!
And I sure hope I have enough!
For one wipe, two wipes, three wipes, four,
And five wipes, six wipes, seven, more.
Now push the handle; it goes down
Into the sewer underground,
To give the sewer rats a treat.
It's good enough for them to eat!
Or it will help the grass to rise.
But now it's time to zip my flies
Do up my pants, connect my belt
I must admit, I haven't felt
So good as this time yesterday.
I also did the 'bombs away!'
Now some clean people wash their hands,
But me?  Hell no!  I'll take the chance.
I must rush off to get some lunch
Some finger food that I can munch.
Oh crap!  My ode is almost done!
The time sure flies when you have fun!
I hope you loved my words so true
About a thing we all must do.
And if you feel embitterment,
Just leave the room and take your SH*T!