D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
 
 
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
 
 
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
 
 
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
 
 
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
 
 
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.
 
 
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person .... Can we get naked now?"
 
 
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and
credit limit of spending spree.
 
 
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.
 
 
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
 
 
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself..