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Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.02,
the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs
into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller1.02, Microsoft now concedes,
was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world
flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go
back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one
unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he
ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I
push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his
wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus
can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws
out the Guardian before it even arrives. "
TimeTraveller1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first
release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to
distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows '95.
But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received
criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of
TimeTraveller1.02 on history books. At Senate hearings on
Microsoft's domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was
produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what
appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A
Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives
of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone
else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-
controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece
testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."
In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with
TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:
* CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure
your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will
result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes
in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like
Jim from Taxi.
* WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub 1.0, an occult
algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not
grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities
when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a
bugzapper if you do.
* MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of
time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at
your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your
registered incantation that will speed you back to the present.
You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly
yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot
pursuit.
* DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many
Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a
scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in
Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are
some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange
visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and
possessed of much loudness and stretchpants".
*BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices
may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request
to 'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head.
* CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up
the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can
became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.
* DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER1.02 TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's
just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting
remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller1.02 to cheat
death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result
in the termination of the TimeTraveller1.02 licence agreement. And
Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hotffoot. So there.
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