Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
 aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite
 of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
 Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
 and play.

   It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
 penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two
 important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for
 a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

   The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:  Condom98,
 DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
 A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

   The suite also comes in two expanded versions.  Contraceptive98
 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
 sexual services sector.

   Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups,
 aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

   While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory
 channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

   OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to
 install the package.

   At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware.
 If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is
 sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.  After installation,
 operation commences.  One caution is that the user must have sufficient
 RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect
 is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off
 your partner.

   DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a
 major concern during beta testing.  General Protection Fault was the
 most serious error encountered.  Early versions had numerous bugs,
 but most of these have been eliminated.  The product needs to be
 installed each time its used.

   CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product.  Despite its
 drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag,
 and is far superior to its shareware version.  Hopefully, future
 releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality,
 such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and
 Onboard Camera.

   Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about "Our contraceptive
 products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to
 our customers for years..."