Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade G.O.D. or GOD. The new product would be
named, predictably enough, "Microsoft GOD", and would be available
to consumers sometime in late 1998.  "Too many people feel
separated from God in today's world," said Joseph McSmither,
director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft GOD will
make our L.O.R.D. or LORD more accessible, and will add an easy,
intuitive user interface to the LORD, making the LORD not only
easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft GOD, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all
worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of
GOD, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft GOD for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft
GOD with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our LORD
accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation (DS) and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for
the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server (SAS).

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this
product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows
guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft GOD servers, and
Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with
a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Bible: Using a Windows-based editor, worshippers can cut 
and paste any Bible verses to fit their needs so that they can use
them to back them up if any other people confront them for wrong
doing.  In the future, the Microsoft Bible will replace all the
hardcopied ones found inside all courts and hotel rooms.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval,
the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish
a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft GOD
server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will
enhance the functionality of the Microsoft GOD server product by
providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be
based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact
with the new GOD product in much the same way as the previous
version.  This line is expected to include Microsoft Mormon, 
Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with 
Microsoft Savior), etc.  However, it will not be compatible with 
the Windows666 Operating System since it makes them harder to
save any file and impossible to restore a bad one, and many times
it crashes the heart disk resulting in smoke and fire.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is
planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that
would attempt to render Microsoft GOD installations inoperable.
Sun Microsystems also denies rumors that it is planning to release
a similar product, JavaChrist, and has filed suit to prevent 
Microsoft from using its logo.