REDMOND, Wash. - Nov 11 -- In a move described as related to, but
actually appearing to be a direct response to, accusations against
Microsoft made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp.
announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the
United States of America for an undisclosed sum.  

Sources close to Microsoft said that no actual cash would change hands,
but that payment would be in the form of certain Microsoft subordinated
debentures and title to a half-dozen mid-sized third-world countries. A
spokesperson for Microsoft denied that Microsoft had any plans to divest
itself of the previously purchased governments of Japan, Germany, the
United Kingdom, Italy or France.  Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, in
response to reporters' questions said that he saw "no conflict of
interest," in Microsoft's continued acquisition of major trading
nations. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government
is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer, who also indicated that the agreement
between Microsoft and the U.S. Government requires that any profits
realized by the new operating subsidiary be used to pay off Microsoft's
debentures until retired.  Once that has been accomplished, one percent
of all future profits will be used to retire the U.S. National Debt.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up
the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning
several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president,
in his new role at Microsoft. 

With the position of vice president "a redundancy," according to Gates,
Albert Gore has been appointed permanent ambassador to Antarctica from
where he'll advise Microsoft on environmental issues.  "This will give
Al and Tipper an opportunity to observe the environment close-up," said
chairman Gates.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
However, it should be noted that Air Force One will be moved from
Andrews Air Force Base and now be permanently stationed at Boeing Field,
near Seattle.  Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of
course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and
look how well we're doing".  

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place".  Speculation surrounding this deal indicates that Microsoft and
Canada have hit upon a major stumbling block because of the U.S.
company's steadfast refusal to accept Quebec as a part of the deal.
Rumor has it that the increase in Gates-related "Newfie" jokes has
soured Microsoft's chairman on the project and that he may delay the
whole thing by asking that Canadians come to a meeting of the minds on
the annexation (acquisition issue).  Political analyists in both
Washington and Ottawa projected that such a Canadian consensus was two
or three centuries away.

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing in free society every day by providing both
computer resources and nations in which to use them.

About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America (USA)is the most
successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.