49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.