OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply 
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.


A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.


FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by 
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and 
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.


BOMB disposal experts' wives.  Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.


LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found that the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 
2 days.


AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.


NO TIME for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt 
by simply peeling it off.


EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con.  Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.


APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them.  The red 
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless 
you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be 
selected).


PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.


IF A PERSON is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down theri throat and presto!  The blockage is almost
instantly removed.


SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble 
full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the 
wall.


MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.


INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights 
on when their guide dog isn't looking.


RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home 
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, 
then urinating into it, before jumping in.


INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS.  Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in
the head at the first opportunity.  Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive 
women in bikinis.