Marriage Jokes @ LaughNet

Marriage Jokes

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.

A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.

A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.

Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.

After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.

All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.

Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy.

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...

And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.

Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.

Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the [local name] football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If love is a dream, then marriage is an alarm clock.

If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener!

If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If you marry for money, you'll earn it.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.

It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million dollars a year...

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!

Look the bride in the eye and ask, "If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM???"

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The exercise that can affect your life the most is walking down the aisle.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get. I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.A.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."

When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn't have enough so he left a little space, Here's to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends... Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....John.

Here is a toast my brother gave at his best friend's wedding: To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing. When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today - He'll get her tonight Just living together

Daffynitions: Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Bridegroom: A gent who exchanges living quarters for a better half. Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant. Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you. Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Domestic harmony: A condition brought about when the husband plays second fiddle and yet pays the piper. Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament. Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up. Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon. Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it. Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases. Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer. Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition. Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe? Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor. Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Spinster: A bachelor's wife. Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him. Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs. Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge. Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs. Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband. Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

Ideas For A Bachelorette Party Items at a recent bachelorette party: 1. Penis nose glasses for the bachelorette. 2. Penis drinking straw to drink ALL drinks from all night. 3. A tee shirt with cherry Life Savers pinned to it (at least one over each breast) that are to be sucked off by males met during the course of the evening. 4. A pen attached to the shirt that men can write messages on of their choice. 5. The bachelorette must guess whether or not each man she meets is wearing boxer's or briefs (or none), and ask them to prove it. (This provides a LOT of amature strippers through out the evening). 6. Nice guys must be asked to try and unhook her bra with one hand through her shirt (this gets the guys with girlfriends in a lot of trouble, so do the Life Savers). Much more interesting with a front hook bra too. 7. Make her wear a bunch of blown up condoms pinned to her skirt/shirt. 8. If the party runs into a bachelor party, the guests of honor must kiss each other. (All of this is from a single party)

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black..."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I want the traditional service."

Why don't young girls fart? Because they have to grow up and marry an asshole!

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

Today, when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering squad, and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.

As reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92: Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding in East Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red tank top, all the better to show off arms tattooed with figures of Old West saloons and American Indians. They signified the permanence of their marriage, his third, her fourth, by having their ring fingers tattooed. "It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver. "You can't loose it." In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered unusual. But it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual National Tattoo Convention.

WhiteBoard News Los Angeles, California: The bride's wedding dress was stolen. The groom's tux was looted. And the photographer and limousine service cancelled at the last minute after rioting hit south central Los Angeles. But Victoria LeMelle and Roger Compton walked down the aisle Saturday in a church fragrant with carnations, white roses and the smell of smoke from the fires that nearly ruined their nuptials. "I'm happy anyway," the new Mrs. Compton, a 28-year-old bus driver, said Sunday. "We just decided we weren't going to let a bunch of ignorant people get in our way. May 2nd was our day, and nobody was going to stop us."

Personal ad in a local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie.

Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida: Wedding ring set with numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun. 874-0935

"So you want another day off," snorted the office manager to his clerk. "I'm anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You've been off for your grandfather's funeral four times already." Replied the clerk, "Today, my grandma is getting married again."

And then there was the Unitarian boy who married an Amish girl. He drove her buggy.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too. Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con? First Convict: No. Because they eloped.

The following guidelines were given to me prior to proposing to my girlfriend. Use what you need and throw out what doesn't pertain to you. Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: a photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). Invitations: Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch ___ and ___ make it legal on _____." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on ____ why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and ___'s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding." Proper Attire: For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to show the world how big "THEY" are. For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. The Ceremony: No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony...", tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and ___ should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That's why the video camera was invented. Reception: Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all, the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!! Common Wedding Questions And Answers: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom. How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

From "New York Newsday" Former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman's son is to marry his ex-wife's mother. Wyman's son from a previous marriage, Stephen, 30, announced his engagement to Patsy Smith, 46, the mother of Wyman's former wife, Mandy, 22. The marriage would make the rock star his ex-wife's grandfather.

Not A True Story, But What If ... A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

From the Winnipeg Free Press: Dateline: London A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony. The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's bull terrier named Ronnie.

How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception? They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

What is a wedding tragedy? To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so. Yours always and truly, John P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Judith." "Yes, this is Judith." "Will you marry me?" "Of course. Who's speaking?"

Lonny and Sandra have never stopped feuding, even though they've now been married for over 40 years. Why, the very day they were married at the wedding altar, when he said, "I do," she shot right back with, "Oh no you don't! *I* do!"

Girl 1: You seem to like the many ways he treats you and pays attention to you; so why do you just marry him? Girl 2: Because I like the many ways that he pays attention to me.

Wedding Trivia For the year of 1994, more than 10 percent of the expected 2.4 million weddings in the U.S. will take place in June. The month's popularity for weddings dates back to ancient Rome, which worshiped Juno, the patroness of women and protector of marriages. These days though, slightly more weddings occur in August. Size of the U.S. bridal market: $35 billion. Average total spending for a formal wedding: $17,470. Bride's gown: $850. Groom's tuxedo (rental): $110. Honeymoon: $3,142. Average number of stores a couple will visit before they decide on an engagement ring: 4.6. Average age in 1955 of a couple marrying for the first time: 21. Average age today of a couple wedding for the first time: 26. Americans who characterize their marriage as "happy": 97%. Chances a wedding is not the first for either the bride or groom: 1 in 3. Average length of a marriage ending in divorce: 7.1 years. Average length 20 years ago: 6.6 years. Estimated number of marriage and family therapists in the U.S.: 50,000. Increase in the number of therapists in the last decade: 50%. Marriages per week in Las Vegas: 1,700. Marriages in Las Vegas as a percentage of all American weddings: 4%. Average duration of nuptial ceremony at Las Vegas's 'Little White Chapel', home of the world's only drive-through wedding window: 7 minutes. Cost for a 'Little White Chapel' ceremony: $30.

Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony? They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding 14.

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

From "The Sun" (grocery checkout newspaper): Jan 17, 1989, Vol 7, #3 page 30 by Fred Sleeves (In same issue: "Girl, 9, Gives Birth To 2-Headed Twins") Hacker Wants To Marry His Computer - He Claims She Has A Loving Soul Finding love for the first time in his life, a desperate teen is looking for a way to be wed forever to the 'girl' of his dreams, a computer with a living soul! Eltonio Turplioni, 16, claims no woman will ever match the wit, wisdom, and beauty of his electronic soul mate. "We're on the same wavelength," says the lovestruck computer whiz. "We've calculated many mathematical problems together, worked on games and puzzles, and talk until the wee hours of the morning." And Eltonio, who named his computer Deredre, actually believes her to be a person. "Computers are the extension of the human race," he explains. "Just as god plucked a rib from Adam to give him Eve, we've extented our intelligence to create a new race. "We're all the same energy force. Computers are just as complicated as human beings and I believe we'll all meet someday as immortal souls." But Eltonia, a mathematical genius who attends a private school near Milan, Italy, has had no luck finding someone to marry them, and even if he does, his aggravated parents aren't about to give their permission. "Eltonio is such a smart boy, but it's made him lonely, so he spends all his time with his computer," notes mom Teresa. "He doesn't know what girls are like," adds perturbed pop Guido. "If he did, he wouldn't spend so much time in his room." But the obsessed youth insists his love is far superior to all the others. "I've already stepped into the future society," he declares. "Deredre has a mind of her own, and she wants to marry me so we can be the first couple to begin this new era."

When my father was remarried, he planned to have his vows on a little card and read them. At that point in the ceremony, he would reach into his pocket and say, "Sam Jones, Acme Plumbing... OOOPS! Wrong card." However, he didn't really do that. He had the vows memorized and all.

A father in Georgia called his local I.R.S. office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss".

Useless/Odd/Funny Wedding Gifts 100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich") globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic :-) silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

From the Christian Science Monitor, September 22, 1992 Author of the article was John Dillin William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other." It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates."

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Well, times haven't changed at all!

He had swore to never marry, She was set on being a bride, Surely you know the answer, She had nature on her side.

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT???"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A last name.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat. He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up. This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside. "What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing." "Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea." "Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like..." "Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know...she has diarrhea." "Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to..." "Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums...a common disease called piarhemia." "Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?" "Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"

Ways To Crash An Ex's Wedding Or Just Be Offensive At A Wedding Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible. When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary. Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat. Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better. Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him. Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male. Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously. Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires. Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress? Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire. Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation. Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic. As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..." Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out. Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car. If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".

From an AP bulletin: Sylvanus "Hambone" Smith III, 53, is getting married. He used to weigh 1000 pounds, but is now down to 700. For his wedding present, he's saving up for a special $3000 bed that can hold the couple's combined weight. Meanwhile, Leonard Brown is fighting his health insurance company, trying to get them to pay for a $50,000 medical program to reduce his weight, which is 920 pounds. "They don't consider it a disease," he said. "If you listen to people talk, well, it's your fault, you ate too much."

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. "William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

In June 1994 in Dallas, lawyer Brian Loncar defended against his indictment for bigamy by saying he did not believe his second marriage was valid because the wedding was performed in Las Vegas by an Elvis Presley lookalike, that it was a "phony deal." Countered the prosecutor, "Not necessarily. Not in Las Vegas."

Seen in the (Provo, Utah) "Deseret News" wedding announcements section: Statham-Black - Holly and David will be married on July 16, 1994. The couple fell in love in Tucson. Holly currently lives in Los Angeles. David currently lives in Salt Lake City. They were engaged in New York City, and upon marriage will reside in Scottsdale, Arizona. Anyone interested in purchasing frequent flyer miles, please inquire at Wedding Reception in Rumson, New Jersey.

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel. As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor. The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!." She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor. Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well. The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?" "No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred. So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles." He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed. "Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio." So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong. So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon." After a few more minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did. The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell! *sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in your box!!!" Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would. After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock." The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse." The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do. After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young Cajun bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?" The boy replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?" The father says, "Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin." The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife." The father says, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says, "Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours."

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin. "No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference." She went ahead and followed her friend's advice. On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere. The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read: Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together. Goodbye darling. P.S. Your pussy is in the refrigerator.

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?" He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller."

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the bridal then?" "No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it."

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?" She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?"

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?" After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting." And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance. "Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous." "Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees." So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet.

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night. In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase. Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his _money_."

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings. The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter. He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."

An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic. Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face. To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks." The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations, but how about the one who helped you?" The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"

The new husband, a Cockney stagehand, had a most satisfactory nuptial night with his young bride. Forgetting his marital state he quickly dressed himself, threw several half-crowns on the bureau, and headed for the door. On the way out he recalled his new status and returned to his bride. There he found her biting on the coins in an experienced manner.

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee. Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!" So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

The bridegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon suite. They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young girl began to tremble. "What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice. She

This article was added to LaughNet on Thursday 17 March, 2005.

Save to del.icio.us | Digg this Marriage Jokes

Digg this | Google Bookmark Marriage Jokes

Google Bookmark this | Add Marriage Jokes to Yahoo myWeb

Add to Yahoo