Managed Caring(tm)
                     By Richard Liebmann-Smith
              (An editor of American Health Magazine.)
 
       Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
   friendship.  The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages
   of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving
   features.
 
   - How does it work ?
 
       Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
   pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers.  All of your friendship
   needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
 
   - What's wrong with my friends ?
 
       If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship
   Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together
   based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school  The result is
   costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict.  Some Providers may not
   meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate,
   outmoded, or experimental behavior.  Under Managed Caring(tm), your
   friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who
   Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
 
   - How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make
   friends on their own ?
 
       Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
   Provides are as concerned as we are about delivering quality
   Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way.  They have joined our network
   because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting
   their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that
   have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system
   skyrocketing.  Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous standards
   of loyalty.
 
   - What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing ?
 
       Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
   Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional
   Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing.  By training, experience, and
   by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is
   qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed
   Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or
   her excellent training.
 
   - Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm)
   network?  Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
 
       No.  The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
   consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
 
   - What's that ?
 
       The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours
   a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a
   friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is
   Caring(tm) for someone else.  You may be on a business trip and find
   yourself lonely.  In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all
   appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency
   Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
   within two business days.
 
   - What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan ?
 
       Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited
   to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging
   out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over,
   partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand,
   patting your back.
 
   - Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
 
       Yes.  Ineligible services include (but are not limited to):
   drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums
   in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty
   jokes, and sex.
 
   - How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered ?
 
       If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on
   your Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of
   the proposed Procedure.  All appropriate Procedures will be approved
   for coverage within 24 business hours.
 
   - But who decides what's appropriate for me ?
 
       We do.  Isn't that what friends are for ?