Man Vs. Woman Jokes @ LaughNet

Man Vs. Woman Jokes

Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out, "Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"

Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men? Jane: If you supply the whips.

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for directions."

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!" The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was as dumb as a post."

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time. Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms. Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and says, "Come on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking girls have a ride."

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.

I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing." As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen. I told him, "Just give them your underwear."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think you're a man?

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice. The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "that's ok." The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay." The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home? Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured. But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?" "From the asshole." says the bartender. "Well, kindly do me the same favor."

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget: Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man": Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."

A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered, faithful, can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you could train a dog to have sex in positions other than doggie style and bestiality was more socially accepted...

He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm of Ted Koppel.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space.

If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday, outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real women"!

Men And Automobiles Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

A man knows: a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same about his girlfriend. b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding anniversary. c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.

All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he will wait until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has dropped, and then buy the wrong size, color, and style.

(true story!) Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?" I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."

There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"

My ex-boyfriend was not a very good communicator. It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

The Paradox Of Men If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how. If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them. If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework. If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up. If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want. If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.

From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, January 31, 1995 Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive 10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?" 9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___" 8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy". 7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels. 6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device. 5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan. 4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no". 3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater. 2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date". 1. Richard Simmons never follows you home. [Music: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart]

The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say 10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her tits are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. or So men can understand them.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the stupid ones.

What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles!

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men? They discovered they were throwing away the best part.

Why are some men uncircumcised? The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

What's the dumbest part of a man's body? His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.

Why don't women have any brains? Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs? So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

Why don't men get hemorrhoids? Because they are all perfect assholes.

Why do men snore? When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

How does an older woman keep her youth? By giving him money.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why do men resist becoming fathers? Because they aren't through yet being children.

What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

Who needs a husband? My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years? Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.

What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.

How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird? Throw it off a cliff.

Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.

What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory? Proofread.

Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer? He wanted a foam mattress.

What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds!"

Why are men like paper cups? They're dispensable.

Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels? Blonde men are stupid too.

How can you tell if a man is a WASP? He gets out of the shower to pee.

What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested? Wear perfume that smells like beer.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get? The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What did God say after he created man? "I can do better than this" and he made woman. But the disruptions created in Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's brain to sink down into his testicles. And so one of Eve's first assignments was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.

Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.

Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this... |[---------------------->| is 12 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone? Divorced

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

What is a macho man? After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?' What is a more macho man? At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around? Get married.

What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.

What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly? One gives birth and the other gives burps.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How are men like UFOs? You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

How is a man and a sports car alike? Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.

How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.

What piece of furniture was named after the typical man? The La-Z-Boy recliner.

If men had PMS, what would happen? a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it. b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability. c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days. d) All of the above.

If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours? None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

What's a man's worst nightmare? 1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera. 2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to. 3) A female boss. 4) He has to ask his wife for money.

What's the greatest mystery about men? How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex? You marry him.

How can you tell if a man's playing around? He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."

What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across his head? The truth comes shining through.

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"? He never had to date one.

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy? He *throws* his kisses.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

How can you tell it's puppy love for a man? He slobbers all over you.

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars? Dumbbells.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.

What are the only two kinds of men? Studs and duds.

What do men have difficulty retaining? a) a job b) a budget c) a promise d) a secret e) a friendship f) a marriage g) an anniversary date h) a 30-minute erection i) all of the above

What could men do to make their marriages last longer? Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection and sex.

What does a man notice most when he's at the beach with his girlfriend? Every other woman there.

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move? They never get a job.

What is a "man about town"? He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.

What does a man think foreplay is? a) It's something that you do on the golf course. b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other? Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

Why do so few men end up in heaven? They never stop to ask for directions.

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

What's the real reason men can't communicate? It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. At first, I thought my guy was the strong silent type. But lately, I've realized, he has nothing to say.

When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.

Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have feelings.

How do you get a man to come when you call? Ask him if he wants some food. How do you get a man to leave when you want? Ask him about his feelings.

What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband? Say she wants to talk to him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb? We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it. or Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the bitch do it by herself. or None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can? None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Nobody knows. It has never happened.

How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal? One.

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework? They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day? Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.

What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made? Once, when it was still in the factory.

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

Why do balding men comb the few wisps of hair that they still have across their heads? So they can fool themselves.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.

"Three Men And A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

Why did the man cross the road? Because his penis told him to. or Because he thought he could get laid if he did. or So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...) or Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.

What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm? A real man doesn't care.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

An empty man is full of himself. - Edward Abbey

You can't belay a man who's falling in love. - Edward Abbey

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. - Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. - Woody Allen

A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can. - Luigi Banzini

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want. - William Binger

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du Bois

Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertold Brecht

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. Rita Mae Brown

The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - Emerson

If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices. - Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."

If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. - Haskins

In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person. - Don Herold

For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him to really understand them is bad morals. - Henry James

Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. - Dr. Johnson

The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. - Immanuel Kant

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West

Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde

A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 2 =-------------------------------------- So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though." Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving... Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does. Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men. Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct? Fem: Yeah, so? Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass."

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said. "Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show. The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation. The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" "Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"

What's the definition of a perfect woman? a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Here's a good putdown line for women: A man walks up and says haven't we met before? Say yes, I'm [insert your name here], the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked. "Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so." "So where is she?" asked God. "Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam. "Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

And God Created The Woman He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect. He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments. The Carpenter says: "Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks" Then the Tailor says: "Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks" Then the Architect says: "Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes every broad jump.

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you attracted to?" "I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in harmony with nature." "I see," said the man, nodding. "But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect." "Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail." The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite."

There are ten very important men in a woman's life. They are: Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide." Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in." Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots. Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman. You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular."

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking. "What do you do?" she asked him. "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are available?"

Most accidents happen at home! And the men have to eat them.

(Reader advisory: sexist joke...) An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money. Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain? Answer: The one with the biggest tits!

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read: "If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt." Underneath which a graffiti read: "If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes. We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on. Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women. I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every womens first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

A few years ago, a male co-worker (call him John) decided to "officially become a woman" with an operation soon to follow. I found this to be rather unusual and kept trying to come up with reasons, some serious, some silly, why someone would want to do this. Well, I found the silly ones to be rather amusing and made up a top ten list with them. Top Ten Reasons Why John Is Officially Becoming A Woman 10. Lower auto insurance premiums. 9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas. 8. Cleaner restrooms. 7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting. 6. Women live longer. 5. Can get easily picked up in bars. 4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay. 3. Failed to make the _MEN'S_ U.S. Olympic Ski Team. 2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true". And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman: 1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome Symptom Combinations You Don't Want To Have Headaches and increased sex drive: Known as getting him all hot and bewildered. Excessive domesticity and clumsiness: Whatever you do, don't dust the knicknacks. Sentimentality and extravagance: This is not the time to shop for Mother's Day. Smell sensitivity and nausea: A hundred-foot distance from all Thai restaurants is recommended. Food binging and lack of coordination: It's hard to stuff your face when you can't find it. Ringing in ears and paranoia: No, it's NOT the IRS or that nerd from the health club at the door. Compulsive spending and insomnia: Fortunately, the twenty-four-hour shopper probably can't get much of a wardrobe at 7-Eleven. Nymphomania and poor judgement: The only thing worse than taking the consequences is getting a call from one of them.

An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is a savage."

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny, OKAY!?! or Two. One to change the light bulb and one to suck my dick. or Three. One to do it and the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a third of the way in. or Four. One to do it and the rest to consider the sexual implications. or Five. One to change the bulb, one to complain that the bulb is violating the socket, one to secretly wish she were the socket, one to secretly wish she were the bulb, while the last one gets all charged up and turned on watching the others. or Six. One to change it and five to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the socket is. or Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.

Why did it take 4 women with PMS to change a light bulb? It just did okay!!!!!

Why won't feminists use Unix? There aren't any woman pages.

How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist? If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and then she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's house? Only four if you slice them thin enough.

Why did God create lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed.

How do you know God isn't a woman? If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!

Why did God give woman nipples? To make suckers out of men.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her large breasts!

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman? Lipstick.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman? You can negotiate with the terrorist.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to do the washing? None, it's a woman's job.

How many men does it take to clean a toilet? None. That's women's work!

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

What is worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called? The woman.

Why do women change their minds so often? To keep them clean.

Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights? Because they don't have any balls to scratch. or Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

What is the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm? Her husband wakes up.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

When don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex? Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most? "I'll fix it."

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How? The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex? More perks, and the payoff is better.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it? Money!!!

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards? She gets her ass chewed out.

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex? Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

How does the single woman get rid of roaches? She asks them for a commitment.

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap the bitch.

Why do women live longer than men? Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas

Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke

Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl Wilson

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.

Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.

By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.

Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation... She: Get off of me, will ya!! He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you? She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?" "Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy. "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"

Woman-To-Woman Chat Hey girls, never date a guy who always wears tight jeans. You should figure that if he can wear tight jeans and still be comfortable, he doesn't have anything in them that would interest you. Also, since I started dating, I have followed one of my mother's quaint old sayings: "Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!" I also plan on writing a screenplay about the men I've been out with, and call it "Dances With Wolves".

Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador? You have to dodge a lot of bull.

What is the difference between a singles bar and a circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Women don't make passes at men who are asses.

Men are sometimes more suspicious and distrustful of their mates in a relationship than women. This distrust may have its origins very early in life during the circumcision when the doctor leans over and says, "This won't hurt a bit, I promise!"

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by. My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table. The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??" To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"

If you want to know why they are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour

Girl Talk The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys. The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first. The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too. The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings. The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy. The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish? The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage. The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman. Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party. The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover. The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex. The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day. The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down. Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children. The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single. The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained. "Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House 10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello. 9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly. 8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom. 7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready. 6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning. 5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks. 4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter. 3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again. 2. Pretend to eat your arm. 1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date 10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program. 9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan. 8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad. 7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator. 6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads. 5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel. 4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys. 3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer. 2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap. 1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

I was talking to my landlord one day. He is one of my fraternity brothers (alumni). He was talking about an interesting thing that happened years ago. The story is as follows. His friend was involved in a disastrous relationship with a girl. She was screwing around behind his back. She wanted him to feel worthless one night. She desided to hook up with the first guy she could find. She ended up with a football player. She started to give him a blow job and requested that he take a picture of her sucking his dick. He did what she asked. Later that week, she sent the photo of her and this guy to our hero in this story. He did become pissed, and he got back at her brilliantly. He sent the photo to her parents.

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, November 11, 1994 Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date 10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash. 9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs. 8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro. 7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards. 6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells. 5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute. 4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey." 3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?" 2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney. 1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

The True Gender Of Objects Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own. Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away. Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them. Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

This article was added to LaughNet on Wednesday 23 March, 2005.

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