Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially.  So we
here at CR decided another report was needed.  As in a car or a computer,
you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one.
This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should
consider.  Do you want an intellectual companion?  A baby factory?  A hiking
partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying your needs
is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend.  This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model.  On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited.  Keep your purchasing
power in mind when considering your selection.  Although the salesman will
tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this
practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will
actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New? 

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

 Your age        Used or New
 1-12 years      (see note A)
 13-16 years     New
 17-21 years     Used, but not used up
 22-35 years     Used heavily
 35-60 years     New (see note B)
 60+   years     (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year.  Otherwise, "divorced". 

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account.  Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CR advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories 

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.  Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.  (Not sure if this is true...)

The Test Ride 

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the
simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance
with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I
want to leap you, Faith!").  CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look
better."  Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and
acceleration.  The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how
far?  Examine the detailing.  Does the bosom sag?  Does the heater warm
adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot 

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted.  In such cases ordering from the factory is an option.  Delivery
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in),
and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to
the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology 

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population.  All tests were performed
at CR's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results 

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.  Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes equipped with all the options
you want and none of the ones you don't.  She can argue subtle points of
philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don't say it, and break a bed.  No mental or hysical hang-ups.
The drawback is that this model is not actually available. 

 Category           Comments

 Goddess
 Goddess-in-law
              This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
              contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
              spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid.  This
              model tends to generate gray hairs.
 Ms. Right
              The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
              Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly
              in the wrong size or hair color.  Other than that, an
              excellent long-term investment.  Availability is extremely
              limited but can occasionally be found with luck.  Usually
              shows up when you are not looking or is a friend or relative
              of current girlfriend.
 Babe
              This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
              Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy.
              Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your
              friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
              Extremely high maintenance, this is wallet taker.
 Friend
              The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind but you
              wouldn't be caught dead in it.  Availability is excellent,
              often the last ones in the tavern.  Has a chameleon like
              character after several beers are consumed.  Can look like
              Babe going into the test drive, but will return to friend
              status come early a.m. after test drive is over.
 Her
              The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely available, but useful
              as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available.
              Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.


Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!