I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer
clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't
even invite me.  You too can win arguments.  Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor

 Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on
 the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're drinking
 some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid
 to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.  But if
 you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS
 about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH of information.  You'll
 argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
 furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

 Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
 Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU
 are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
 Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
 Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the
 revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean
 gross poverty level."

 NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

 If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
 Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
 Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?"  Say this in the
 same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in
 my bath house."

* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

 Memorize this list:
   -  Let me put it this way
   -  In terms of
   -  Vis-a-vis
   -  Per se
   -  As it were
   -  Qua
   -  So to speak

 You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
 "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
 not."

 Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
 "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have
  enough money."

 You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you say:
 "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua
 Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they
 do not have enough money per se, as it were.  Q.E.D."

 Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

 You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
 opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:
   - You're begging the question.
   - You're being defensive.
   - Don't compare apples and oranges.
   - What are your parameters?

 This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than mathematicians,
 has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

 Here's how to use your comebacks:
              You say:  "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
   Your opponent says:  "Lincoln died in 1865."
              You say:  "You're begging the question."
                  OR
              You say:  "Liberians, like most Asians..."
   Your opponent says:  "Liberia is in Africa."
              You say:  "You're being defensive."

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

 This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
 you are spectacularly wrong.  Bring Hitler up subtly.  Say: "That sounds
 suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do
 remind me of Adolf Hitler."

     So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to
pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.