In response to the growing AIDS crisis, the Department of Health recently
announced a bold new initiative to promote safe sex. 

The DOH's new program will be called Benefiting Everyone through Asexual
Touching (BEAT), and will be carried out in cooperation with the Society
for the Practice of Asexual Non-Partner Copulation (SPANC).

"Our efforts to promote safe sex have met with only moderate success," said
BEAT spokesman Jerry Koff," and we wanted to let everyone know that there
was another, safer alternative."

So far, the program has been well received by men, although women have been
reluctant to embrace the idea. A follow-up program, tentatively titled Do
It aLone - Do it Often (DILDO), is being planned for women.  

 The program was enthusiastically embraced by former Department of Health
official Donna Shallala, and President Clinton released a statement saying
he was in "firm support" of the program. The First Lady was said to be
thrilled. 

Potential celebrity spokespersons for the program include Pee-Wee Herman,
George Michael and Dr. Ruth.

"We'd like to move this program into the schools, and try to get the kids
started as soon as possible, " said J. Koff.

BEAT recently retained the famous Madison Avenue public relations firm,
Masters & Bates, Ltd. to assist in the advertising campaign. The initial
campaign will focus on three different age groups - with the "There's Other
Ways to Play" effort targeted at the 13 and below age group, the
"Everybody's Doing It" effort for the hard-to-reach teen and young adult
age group, and finally the "You're Never Too Old" campaign for 30+ age group.

"For the rollout, we considered nicknaming the DOH the 'Good Hands
People'," said Masters & Bates spokesman Si Q. Uirt, "but Allstate
threatened us with litigation."