From Richard Lederer's [Anguished English:  An Anthology of Accidental
Assaults Upon Our Language] 

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOESE; JURY HUNG

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

and my favorite... BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS



plus one I found in a 1944 issue of the [Homestead [PA] Daily
Messenger]... STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECUTRE


Compendium of JustPlainSilly Newspaper Headlines
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Stud tires out

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Eye drops off shelf

Teacher strikes idle kids

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Squad helps dog bite victim

Shot off woman's leg helps nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two soviet ships collide, one dies

2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Man is fatally slain

Enfiels couple slain;  Police suspect homicide

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bridgewater, NJ "Courier-News"
        CONDOM FAULTS COULD LEAD TO DATING POLICY

Charleston, SC "Evening Post"
        S.C. SENATE OKs MARITAL RAPE

Minneanapolis, Mn "Star Tribune"
        SEVERAL VIKINGS HIT WITH INTESTINAL INFECTION; MORE COLOR
        PHOTOS, PAGE 14C

Edmonton, Alberta
        HIROHITO'S BODY MOVED

Pasadena, Ca "Star News"
        CRITICS SAY COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH NEAR COLLAPSE

London "Daily Telegraph
        DEAD CATS PROTEST

Des Moins, Ia "Register"
        LORD TO ADVISE QUAYLE

Honolulu, Hi "Downtown Planet"
        GRAMMER HOTLINE AVAILABLE

Knoxville, Tn "News-Sentinel"
        ACTOR SENT TO JAIL FOR NOT FINISHING SENTENCE

El Paso, Tx "Times"
        STATE: SEX WITH MINOR WORTH FELONY CHARGE

New York, NY "Wall Street Journal"
        REST OF THE YEAR MAY NOT FOLLOW JANUARY