Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal was begun when a 21
year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to
God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. 
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child." 

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub
immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his
investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have
been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to
his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the
"Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are
rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.  Critics have
pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges
that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had
created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal. 

In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel
of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was
quid pro quo for political contributions. 

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. 
Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.