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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I was just trying to trip him up."
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant's balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no...
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he's out back." After about five minutes, tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Everyone in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there, the elephant was laughing!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh. A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally, the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute, a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again, a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me." But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently, he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant, "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little frenzy, "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!"
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one," replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo." Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a pink elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *poof*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is," he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad," said the good witch.
From Earthweek column by Steve Newman in "The Atlanta Journal" Dec 21. An Indian Army camp in the eastern state of West Bengal is plagued by a herd of elephants that regularly breaks in and guzzles the rum supply in the main warehouse. New Delhi's "Statesman" reported that electric fences, bonfires and railings have been no match for the invaders. The wily animals have learned to hose out the bonfires, and to demolish electrified fences by smashing them with wooden logs grasped in their trunks. Once inside the camp, they break open the bottles of rum, then stagger away once they have had their fill. Forest Department sources say the herd originally strayed into the region from Bhutan in search of food, but instead developed a taste for Army rum.
Pachydermic Personnel Prediction A bold new proposal for matching high technology people and professions Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior. Classification Guidelines Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants. Validation A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for two weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend, they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started, they began to realize why the idea had never been tried; they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away, and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready, the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. Baannngg!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees, and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away, they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden, he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance, a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't worry, I am going to save you." The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts, "Don't worry chicken I will save you." So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas, this also is too small. As a last desperate effort, the elephant throws in his his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety. Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son, is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No, at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden. The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6. The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue? The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Hickory Dickory Dock An elephant ran up the clock The clock is being repaired
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir.
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? Anything you want, it can't hear you.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck.
Why are elephants wrinkled? Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled? Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they would be aspirin.
If you're colorblind, how do you tell a grape from an elephant? Stomp on it awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
What is grey and white on the inside and red on the outside? An inside out elephant.
What is grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside? Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
What is grey and not there. No elephants.
Why are elephants gray? So you can tell them from canaries. or So you can tell them from blueberries.
Do you know why elephants paints their toenails red? No, why? So that noone will se them sitting in the cherry trees. But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree! Precisely!
How does an elephant hide in the jungle? He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.
What is the loudest noise in the jungle? A giraffe eating cherries.
There was an elephant by a watering hole having a drink when he saw a turtle out of the corner of his eye. On seeing the turtle, he ran down to the water's edge, jumped up into the air, and landed on the turtle causing a horrible mess. There was a giraffe nearby and he happened to notice what had occurred so he asked the elephant why he had done it. The elephant replied that the turtle he had just squashed had bitten him on the trunk 50 years earlier. On hearing this, he told the elephant that he had an incredible memory. The elephant replied, "Yes, turtle recall!!!"
Why do elephants paint their nuts red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? No? See, it works!!!
How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries.
What's the fastest thing in the jungle? A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree? Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree? It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
Why did the elephant wear yellow tennis shoes? So he wouldn't be seen in a lemon tree.
How do you get an elephant out of a tree? Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys. What sound do monkeys hate most? Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? It was glued to the first one. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game. And why did the tree fall down? It thought it was an elephant.
What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? An elephant's foreskin.
Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin? When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
How many legs does an elephant have? Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Why did the elephant cross the road? Chicken's day off.
What was the elephant doing on the motorway? About 5 m.p.h.
How do you know if you pass an elephant? You can't get the toilet seat down.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? Optimistic!
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? Free Parking.
What do you get if you take an elephant into work? Sole use of the elevator.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the zebra!
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? It's bike is outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? There is a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Bloody great holes all over Australia.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino.
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Why do elephants wear sandals? So that they don't sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway. To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.
What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
What is a furry alligator? A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? No? Well, it must work.
How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you? She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? Because they might let down their trunks.
How does an elephant put his trunk into a crocodile's mouth? Very carefully...
Why do elephants have trunks? Where else would they pack their luggage?
Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Why should you never drive a Volkswagen in Africa? Because elephants will mount anything with a trunk in the front.
What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa? Elephant snot.
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard? The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? He stamped it to death and then said, "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!."
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? Zero; a mountain climber is a scaler.
What do you give a seasick elephant? Lots of room.
What is gray and comes in quarts? An elephant.
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim for your life!!
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
One hunter goes hunting and he tracks an elephant. He almost shoots it when he looks into the elephant's eyes and decides that he is not up to it. Ten years later, he goes to the circus. There is a group of elephants performing. One of the elephants walks to his direction and kicks him! Why? Answer: It wasn't the same elephant.
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning, the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn," says the ant, "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
How do you get out of an elephant? Run around till you get pooped out.
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside....Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside...Madam...Madam..., too late; George, dig her out.
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
Why do elephants drink so much? To try to forget.
How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun, of course. How do you shoot a red elephant? No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a green elephant? Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a yellow elephant? Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
How do you get an elephant into a VW? Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door. What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug. How do you put an elephant into a fridge? Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug? 2 in the front and 2 in the back
How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge? Can't get the fridge door closed. How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge? There's a VW bug parked outside it. How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge? Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's! How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door. How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan! Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? Depends on the number of elephants.
What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover? The sun roof.
The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why? They were stuck in the VW bug.
How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug? None, the elephants are in there!
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
What did Jane say? Here come the blueberries. (Jane was colorblind)
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill? Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes? White ones get dirty too fast.
Why do elephants float down the river on their backs? To keep their tennis shoes dry.
Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles? Their tennis shoes are too tight.
Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? From playing marbles.
Why do girl elephants wear pink sweaters? So you can tell them from boy elephants.
Why do elephants not drink martinis? Ever try getting an olive out of YOUR nose?
What did the banana say to the elephant? Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
How do you make a dead elephant float? Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas...
How many elephants are on a Nurndy team? Ten: Two borks, six forwards, and two wopplers.
Why are elephants so much better at Nurndy than people? They wopple better.
Why are there not more elephants in college? Fewer are finishing high school.
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Peanuts are easier to get at the ballpark.
How do you housebreak an elephant? You get about 900 copies of the New York Times, Sunday edition.
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the pizza. (or butter, or jam)
How can you tell if you're in an elevator with an elephant? or How can you tell if there is an elephant in the bathtub with you? You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge? He pull out his Diners' Club card.
Why do elephants never forget? Well, what do they have to remember?!
How can you tell if an elephant is asleep? Well, if he's in bed, has his pajamas on, his tennis shoes are put away, and he's peacefully snoring away, odds are, he's asleep. But watch out, anyway.
Why are pygmies so short? They can't tell time.
What is that stuff between elephants toes? Watchless natives.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? They're all on the same team.
Why do elephants have four feet? Because lady elephants have big vaginas.
What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.
Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep don't have strings.
What do elephants use for condoms? Snakes.
What do elephants use for vibrators? Epileptic pigmies.
How do you know when an elephant has its period? There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
What is an elephant's sex organ? His foot; if he steps on you, you're screwed!
What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders? A pachydermatoligist.
How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A two-ton pickup.
What did the female elephant say during sex? "Can I be on top this time?"
What did the elephant say to the nude man? Cute, but can you breathe through it?
What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off!
Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? None of the offspring survived.
How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? Very attractive.
Why do elephants lay on their backs? To trip low flying canaries.
Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? He wasn't laying on his back.
Why do elephants have Big Ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (A one-time popular author of children's books in the U.K. was Enid Blyton; one of her most popular series, for very young children, was about a little wooden doll man called Noddy (so-called because he had a tall pointy hat with a bell on it that tinkled when he nodded) with his head on a spring that lived in Toy Town and has lots of friends, the closest of whom was a dwarf (with big pointy ears) called Big Ears.
Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am? Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Why are pygmies so short? Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
What's that red stuff between elephants toes? Slow pygmies.
How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your backyard? The fence is broken and all of your Hefty trash can bags are gone.
What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes? Swim for your life!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant? A dead ant.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but you need a real big bulb.
What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need? A blow job.
How do you make an elephant fly? Start with a 3 foot zipper.
What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? An elephant with spare parts
Why did the elephant cross the road? To pick up the squashed chicken.
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car! What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car? Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!! Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
What is the height of ambition? An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
What's grey and puts out forest fires? Smokey the Elephant.
What do elephants use for condoms? Garbage bags!
What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? You miss most of the picture!
Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads? Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie? Look what I just stepped in!
What do elephants use for slippers? Sheep!
What did the peanut say to the elephant? Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees? Elephant boogers.
How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge? 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
What's the largest drawback in the jungle? An elephant's foreskin.
What did the elephant say to the naked man it encountered in the jungle? Cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants. The British submitted a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire." The French submitted a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant - a Personal Account." The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear." The Americans submitted an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants - the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s" Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry "Elephants: they're better than people" The Russians submitted a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant" And Polish submitted a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant." But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How can you breath through that little thing?"
How do you catch an elephant? "You dig a big, deep hole and put a bunch of ashes in the bottom. Then you get some peas and put them all around the edge of the hole."
There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmello? So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate!
What do you do if an elephant comes in your house? Swim for your life!
From an old Benny Hill sketch: Two men are sitting in a hunting lodge. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
Man goes to doctor, complaining of rash on arms. Dr: What is your job? Man: I give enemas to elephants in the circus. Dr: How is it done. Man: Well, you stick your arm up the elephants butt, and do it. Dr: I guarantee, if you get a new job, it will cure your arms. Man: What, and give up show business?
Gassy Elephant Blows Her Trainer Through A Wall Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of the Spalding Brothers Tent Circus, suffered a bout with gas that nearly killed her trainer, and blasted several holes in the striped tent where she was practicing her prancing. Now dubbed Sassy the Gassy Pachyderm, the 14-year-old beast snorted approximately 15 gallons of red-hot Tex-Mex chili cooking outside the tent for a Rotary fund raiser. Sassy developed a taste for chili as a mere 500-pound babe when she lived with a herd of cows near El Paso, TX. The rancher held regular cook-outs, and let Sassy lick the Chili pot after the guests had gone. "The hotter the better," recalls rancher Antonio Guayabera. "She'd poke her little fuzzy trunk in there and slurp 'til it was clean as a whistle. I'd notice the next day, though, the cows would stick to one end of the field and Sassy would be all by herself at the other. I always thought someone was burning garbage, but I finally realized it was Sassy and cut off her bean supply. It was making the cows' milk sour." Antonio, who got the baby elephant as a gag gift from an oilman friend of his, sold Sassy to the circus and trainer Fritz Hildebrand made her queen of the center ring. "I discovered the first month I had Sassy that she loved chili, but it didn't love her," says Fritz. "We had to keep the roustabouts with their open cook- stoves away, because she would smell those beans simmering and start hooting and hollering to get it. We only let her have her way once," Fritz says, shaking his head. "We had to walk her a mile away and leave her penned there a whole day." Human memories dim, but elephants never forget, and with chili pots bubbling it was just a matter of time before Sassy slipped her trunk through a hole in the tent and started gobbling. "I knew I had to get her out of there - and fast," says Fritz from his hospital bed. "But I wasn't fast enough. As I led her away, the gas attack started. I should have known better than to stand too close, but the first blast blew me right through the tent and into a trailer parked outside." Fritz suffered 15 broken bones, including one arm, one leg, his collarbone, several ribs and fingers. Subsequent blasts ripped through the big top before Sassy was banished to a distant field. "I know she feels bad," concludes the forgiving trainer. "Sassy's a chiliholic, and she just can't help herself."
So this mouse walks in the jungle with his elephant friend, looks back and says, "Wow, look how much dust we leave behind!"
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