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There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving along this old
farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the
farmer's door. The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced
themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups
and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?"
The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try."
About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off
with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
About three months later, the same three students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled
and asked what he could do for them this time?
One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a
field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket
of milk?"
Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and
sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my
milkweeds."
Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket
overflowing with fresh milk and drove off. This time, the farmer was really
confused, but just a little less skeptical.
It was about three or four months later when the three agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they
were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows. Needless to say, the
farmer went with them this time on their excursion.
Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?
Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.
Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College
Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
Two Texas Longhorn students and an Aggie were driving through the Texas
countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farmhouse. So
they knocked on the door and asked the gruff old farmer if they could stay the
night.
The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told them to go out
into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable they could find, then to return to
the farmhouse.
Some time later, the two Longhorns found themselves dead and in line at the
pearly gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their tale. "Okay," said
Saint Peter, "You went out and found some fruits and vegetables. How did you
die?"
"Well," continued one of the Longhorns, "My friend here returned first with a
cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and commanded, 'Stick that
cherry up your ass, and if you laugh I'll shoot you!'"
"And?" prompted Saint Peter.
"He laughed, and the farmer shot him."
"Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the second Longhorn.
"It tickled," he said.
"Then it was my turn," continued the first Longhorn. "I had also brought a
cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and told me the same thing. I
laughed and he shot me."
"And why did you laugh?" Saint Peter asked.
"I saw the Aggie coming up the walkway with a watermelon."
Two ex-Aggies decide to have a reunion. One decides to visit the other one
living in a big town. The visiting Aggie gets lost and calls his friend,
"Hey buddy, I am coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am."
His friend replies, "It's okay, just look at the street intersection, there
will be two signs, read them to me."
The lost one looks over and then says, "Okay, okay, I see them, one
says 'Walk', the other one says 'Do not walk'."
"Oh good, you are right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up."
Two Aggie builders were working on a house.
One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out
a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it
into the wood.
The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you
throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's
pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can
use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names,
explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're
for the other side of the house!!"
An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys
some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads
sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought
defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their
heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send
a letter back asking for a soil sample.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior
who knew the recipe graduated.
An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium.
The Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You
see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why
don't you try it!"
The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares
into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start
bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through
his gills.
(Do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)
Three college friends, one each from University of Texas, Baylor, and Texas
A&M, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The
airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to
get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching
all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to
pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard
would simply nod and let them through.
So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store and came
back shortly to try to get in. The Baylor student walked up to the guard and
gestured at the long pole he carried.
"Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.
The University of Texas student, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain,
approached the guard next and showed off his wares.
"Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
The Aggie came last with a roll of chain link on his shoulder.
"Fencing."
The star wide receiver for the Texas A&M Aggies football team, Bubba, was
walking down the street one day when he came across a fire in a four-story
building. On the fourth floor, a woman was yelling out the window, "Save my
baby! Save my baby!"
The gathering crowd had no idea of what to do until Bubba got a great idea,
so he shouted, "Ma'am, just throw the baby down to me and I will catch it. I am
the star wide receiver for the Aggies."
At first, the woman was not convinced, but the approaching flames eventually
changed her mind. So, she closed her eyes after Bubba was ready and flung the
baby out of the window. It happened to be a bit of a windy day, so Bubba had
trouble judging the baby's trajectory. He had to run a bit left, then a bit
right, then left again. At the last moment, a gust of wind caused the baby to go
back to the right. Bubba stretched his arms out, jumped, and made a spectacular
diving catch to the roar of the crowd.
Bubba then jumped back up, held the baby in the air while yelling and doing a
celebratory dance. After that, Bubba went ahead and spiked the baby...
The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game between the
Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years back, the Longhorns would
win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a meeting after a
particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why they couldn't beat the
Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the source and send one of their
assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find the answer.
Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn
practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked, "Why do
y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid. Let
me demonstrate..." Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the
field, held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the Longhorns,
so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch. At the last moment,
Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went back to College Station
with a broken hand. The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found
out in Austin and asked him the next day during practice.
Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are stupid.
Let me demonstrate..."
He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall. So he held his
hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."
It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the
juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was
strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I
had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!"
His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As
was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the
chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His
final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think
that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT
many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing
happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M
University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final
words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you
know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing
will work."
It seems a group of four Aggies (students from Texas A&M for those unfamiliar
with the traditions between Texas and Texas A&M) were arrested just outside of
Austin by Travis County Sheriff's officers early one morning (Nov 4). They were
spotted removing highway signs from their signposts and taking them. Their
explanation was that they were going to use the signs as fuel in the traditional
Aggie Bon Fire which is held the week before the Texas-Texas A&M football game
which is on Nov 26. All the signs in the back of their truck had the word
"Austin" in them (they were mileage markers reading "Austin 44", "Austin 24",
"Austin 16", etc.) and formed a trail leading back to College Station.
The signs were all made of metal.
A reporter for the Dallas Morning News decided to write a series on Aggies.
In order to get more information, he went to College Station to do his research.
On the first day, he decided to drive his car in. He went into the library, got
in a good day's work, and walked back to the parking lot. A group of Aggies were
gathered around his car. They were saying, "Is it an airplane? No, I don't
think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it a boat? No, I don't
think so."
Finally, the smart Aggie in the back piped up, "I know what that is, it's a
car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed, applauded him, and the crowd
dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to ride a motorcycle to campus. When he
finished working, the group of Aggies were gathered around his hog: "Is it an
airplane? No, I don't think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it
a boat? No, I don't think so." Finally, the smart Aggie in the back again piped
up, "I know what that is, it's a car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed,
applauded him, and the crowd dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to really throw the Aggies for a loop and
rode in his...oh, what are those one-wheeled things...ummmm... [this is when
the person you are telling this joke to replies "unicycle" at which point you
applaud him or her.]
Philosophy professor at the front of the classroom with the following final exam
question written on the blackboard: "How do you plan to make a living with a
philosophy degree?"
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course whose
final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and
answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could
write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A. The
professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
While taking a psychology course in college, the teacher had a habit of
putting the following questions on an exam:
Ask yourself a question and answer it.
Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation
[* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]"
and proceeded to solve it.
The next day, I stopped by the math office to see one of the professors. He
told me, "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych exam"
I got full credit, and the psych professor never put that question on an exam
again.
A professor was known for being an easy grader. The grades he gave for a
survey course (i. e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and
not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams was
entirely covered in the textbook. So showing up for class wasn't a big deal.
However, this started to get out of hand. As word of the course spread, at
each semester, there was a larger block of students who would show up
infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days. Finally, it got so bad
that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. On
the day of the midterm, everyone came in and a graduate assistant handed out
exams, "Prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."
There was only one question in the exam booklets: "Which one of the pictures
below is of professor x?"
Obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess.
Many failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got A's.
I've no idea how true it is or if it's an Urban Legend. This guy was taking
an exam in Trinity College here (old college, about 400 years old). In the
middle of the exam, he called a proctor and requested his pint of ale. The
proctor, of course, just looked at him.
Our hero then produced a copy of the *old* regulations which stipulated that
a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment. The proctor then reported
to the college officials, who verified the existence of just such a regulation.
The student was granted his one pint of beer ten minutes before the end of the
exam, and kicked back and drank his beer while the other examinees frantically
scrambled to finish the exam.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes in
the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided our man with
his glass of ale, but promptly fined him for not wearing his ceremonial
sword and shield to the examination.
This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State University.
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a
gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of
0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the
following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.
Freshman Physics And The Burning Question Of Heavy Boots
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics
and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it
will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts were on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was
generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it
right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not
get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent
discriminators; that is, success on these two questions proved to be an
extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score
got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose
answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it
right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group
was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics:
two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had
never studied in the class.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.
College is like a woman. You try real hard to get in; then nine months later,
you wish you had never come.
Academy: School where football is taught.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - Alfred Kahn
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok, president of
Harvard
Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a flame. - Yeates
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that
they are getting poorer by degrees.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
If there were no schools to take the children away from home...the insane asylum
would be filled with mothers. - Edgar Watson Howe
You have to regard everything I say with suspicion. I may be trying to bullshit
you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. - J. Wainwright,
Mathematics 140b
One advantage of being an elementary school teacher as opposed to working as a
high school teacher is that it's easier to get a parking space every morning.
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found
out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-
vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what
was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived
close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety
of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the
Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the
Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to
the heart of Ozy Froats
Why do some people go to college?
To wear togas and get Internet access.
Why does a Purdue graduate put his/her diploma on the dashboard?
So s/he can park in the handicapped spots.
How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's
right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
-My all-time favorite philosophy joke:
What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following:
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
I saw this recently on a Literature Professor's door. It was on a piece of
paper that looked as if it had been cut out of a student's paper. "The Odyssey
portrays a very structured hierarchy of a society based on love, violence,
stature, and golf." I wish I had the rest of the paper.
Professor Dave Allstot, who substituted for Professor Ron Rohrer for a
lecture in 18-220, Fundamentals of Electrical Engineering:
Well, I feel a bit like Elizabeth Taylor's 7th husband on their first night.
I know what to do, but I'm not sure I can make it interesting.
Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had an
incredible realization. Consider the following:
o You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
o Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
o Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his
work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
o Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
o Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
Here are some funny(?) phrases and constructions that my wife brought home from
her class. (She is a high school English teacher.) These actually appeared in
her students' homework and exams.
I loved her so much that I put her on a pedal stool.
When I grow up I want to be a whorse trainer.
She left him because he took her for granite.
In the Middle Ages Europe was swept by the Blue Bonnet plague.
When you have finished the final step, Walla! you're ready to bake your cake.
Comments on Life Reeked With Joy
Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
Theologically, Luther was into reorientation mutation.
Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms.
The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
Industrialization was precipitating in England.
Voting was to be done by ballad.
Napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown.
Here too was the new German: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Music reeked with reality.
Wagner was master of music.
Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other
Germany was displaced after WWI.
Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced.
A huge anti-semantic movement arose.
Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews"
a squirmish between Germany and France.
(Two guys and a gal in a tutorial with female tutor. The tutor is writing down
a problem on the board)...
Guy #1: "It's the same one from last week!"
Guy #2: nods/agrees.
Gal #1: does not understand...
Guy #1: "It's rather short."
Guy #2: nods/agrees.
Gal #1 intercepted: "She is writing three boards of solution and it's short?!"
Guys #1 & 2: "We're talking about her skirt."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you
learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player
in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
No, but they gave one to me anyway. - L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when
asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
On a bright spring morning, four high school seniors decided to skip all
their morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher
a very long-winded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the
problems they'd encountered in getting it fixed.
To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the
story. She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make up a test you missed
this morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens."
When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer the following
question: Which tire was flat?"
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh
Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you,
the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are
there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have
realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an
outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still
had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Why don't art students play hide and seek?
Because nobody wants to look for them.
An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:
ENGL 323: English Literature
This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various works from Britain,
Canada and the United States. Knowledge of the English language is not required
but experience with plastic explosives is recommended. This course is not open
to students who have martyred themselves in previous offerings from this
department.
Did you hear that they won't let *insert school name* play football at *insert
natural turf arena* any more?
They can't seem to stop the cheerleaders from grazing in the infield.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says,
"Chew, Chew."
What is the difference between *insert school name* girls and dogs?
Dogs don't have zits.
What is the difference between a galley slave and a graduate student?
They occasionally fed galley slaves.
Someone reported to the police that a boy had been beaten up. After
rescueing the boy and making sure he was okay, the police told him that they
would take him to his mother.
The boy said, "Don't take me there; she beats me."
"Okay, then we'll take you to your dad."
"No. He beats me, too."
"Then, where would you like us to take you?"
The boy said, "Send me to Ohio State; they don't beat anybody."
Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00
shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
Hire college students, while they still know everything.
This is something that happened in biology class last semester
The professor was talking about male sperm and how it has the chemical
composition of sugar or something like that.
A girl in the back of the class spoke up and said, "Oh yeah? Then why does it
taste so salty?"
I think it hit her about a minute later as to what she said. She got up and
left. Haven't seen her since.
When I was in Cornell, Chemistry 101 was considered to be an exceptionally
difficult course. Weekly recitation classes followed the lectures, to review
homework assignments and help the floundering students.
In our first recitation section, the teaching assistant started handing out a
pop quiz at the beginning of the class. As he was distributing the quiz, he
explained, "Just to make sure that everyone keeps up with the homework, we are
going to start each week with a little 'quizzy'. And it will be a third of your
grade."
One of the female students at the front of the class who had longer to
examine the quiz than the rest of us, and who obviously did not recognize any of
questions as relating to things we should have known exclaimed loudly, "Well!
If this is one of your little quizzies, I'd hate to see one of your big
Testies!"
While the laughter was dying down, a very red faced lady beat a hasty exit
for the door. We never saw her again.
Urban Legend Or Real?
In a biology class, students were supposed to wipe the inside of their cheeks
with Q-tips to get samples of their cells and then look at them under a
microscope. A girl looked into her microscope and then into her lab partner's,
and said, "Hey, mine looks different!" Her lab partner looked into her
microscope and said, "Wait a second, that's a sperm cell!" (which it actually
was). The girl dropped the class.
When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he
forgot to include graduate students.
Several recent studies have reported that Americans simply aren't learning
much science in school. That doesn't particularly bother me, because I know
they *are* getting lots of good, reliable scientific information from a number
of places. Like television, "Newsweek", the "National Enquirer", cereal boxes,
their hairdressers, and so forth. So who says science isn't getting across to
the public? Here's some things people recently have told me they know about
science.
The greenhouse effect is here and is already melting the polar icecap. By
next year, palm trees will be growing in Canada, beach boys will be hanging ten
off the coast of Nevada, and Cleveland, of all places, will suddenly become a
nice place to live.
There are only three California gray whales left in existence, and they
somehow got caught in an ice hole in Alaska. Only a huge investment of time,
money, and media coverage kept the species from becoming extinct.
Geraldo Rivera is the frightening result of a genetic engineering project
gone awry.
There's a hole in the ozone layer approximately the size of Roseanne Barr
that was caused by hairspray. It's how UFO's get to Earth.
A brand-new radioactive gas has been found in basements. It's called radon
and it causes cancer in a matter of weeks and worse, plays hell with resale
values.
Isaac Newton plays lead guitar for Guns 'n Roses (this from a high school
student).
The Japanese and French are building incredibly fast levitating trains that
have really super conductors on them.
All scientists cheat on their data, on their spouses, and on their income
taxes. Only Congress, whose members never cheat on their data, their spouses, or
their taxes, can put a stop to all this.
A professor during a biology class asks his students, "What part of the human
body enlarges up to 15 times of its original size?"
One female student raises her hand and answers, "That's easy, it's a penis."
"You're wrong miss," said the professor, "does anyone else know what it is?"
"It's the pupil in the eye," answered a male student.
"You're perfectly right," said the teacher, "and you, young lady, are a very
lucky person."
From Risks Digest, Risks-List: Risks-Forum Digest; Monday 13 April 1992; Volume
13 : Issue 39
According to the Rochester, NY, "Democrat & Chronicle" of April 11, the
Community College of the Finger Lakes is changing its name to Finger Lakes
Community College. Although the changeover is expected to cost $50,000, college
officials say that greater expenses have arisen from confusion and omission of
the two-year school from state and federal college registries.
According to college president Charles Mader, CCFL often gets short-changed
by computerized listings that identify it as "Community College of the Finger."
These twelve adorable freshman coeds will now perform for your delectations the
dance of the virgins. Mainly from memory.
"Nothing is impossible," the professor declared with finality. "Nothing that
the mind of man can conceive is impossible."
"Professor," asked a small voice, "did you ever try to strike a match on a
marshmallow?"
A school board in Maine that had 'Black Beauty' pulled from the shelves in the
mistaken belief that it had something to do with sexy females of African
ancestry.
A university in Australia that would periodically fail to receive its
subscription copy of the British scientific journal 'Nature', which the local
Customs officer took to be the title of a naturist magazine.
Back when I was attending the University of Utah, the school newspaper ran a
joke ad for a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb. Over 30 people
showed up. (What they were expecting, God only knows.)
At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money.
The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has
proven to be a very wise investment for the college."
The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have
been atypical."
Dean: I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron.
Jones: What?! Where is that young good-for-nothing? I'll teach him not to join
a fraternity without consulting me!
A professor at a college frequently uses sexist and degrading terms that
refer to women in his lectures. One day, a group of girls decide that the next
time the professor says something sexist or degrading they would get up and walk
out of his lecture.
During the next class, the professor said that there was a shortage of whores
in France. Hearing this, the group of girls got up and began to walk out of the
lecture. Seeing the girls leaving, the professor said, "Why are you leaving
now, the next plane to France isn't until 7pm."
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.
"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father,
"is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988:
The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May,
but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state was
misspelled 'Wisconson'.
The Professor enters the classroom, looks around, and bids his charges a hearty
"Good Morning!" The freshmen respond with, "Good morning, Professor!" The
sophomores mutter, "Morning!" The juniors grunt. And the seniors simply write
down the Professor's greeting into their notes.
British higher education joke:
What is the difference between a University, Polytechnic and a College?
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a University, all the
students ignore him.
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a College, all the
students say "Good Morning" back.
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a Polytechnic, half the
students fall asleep, half the students write it down, and one at the back asks
"Why?".
Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the bridge of
the Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's worst oil spill,
has been hired to teach students at the Maritime College of the State University
of New York how to stand watch!
What's next?
o The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
o The Mike Tyson Charm School
o The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
o The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
o The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
o The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations
o The Don King Barber College
o The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
o The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy
One of my engineering profs was from Egypt. He was an agreeable fellow but
his teaching style was vomitorious and his English was unintelligible. One day,
he announced an exam for February 2. One guy shouted in an astonished tone,
"BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!"
"Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked.
We strung him along for several minutes. He finally caught onto the joke and
laughed with us. We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of war between Egypt
and Israel; he suddenly quit and went home.
Reminds me of the one where the professor is droning away in the huge lecture
hall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The professor
shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board was voted
into office in the 1988 election. After taking over, they dutifully issued a
budget for FY1990, carefully balanced to projected revenues.
When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend
NO money on foreign language education that year, the answer was, "We don't hold
with new-fangled ways. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should
be good enough for the children of our town."
Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw in their
logic.
A professor returned to class with the examination papers and requested that all
the students sit down. "If you stood up, it is conceivable that you might form
a circle, in which case I might be arrested for maintaining a dope ring."
How long is the Harvard Bridge, which links MIT with Boston? Exactly 364.4
Smoots plus one ear. One Smoot is 5 feet 7 inches, the height of Oliver Reed
Smoot Jr., whose body was used as a unit of measure when Lambda Chi Alpha
pledges were ordered to determine the length of the bridge in 1958.
As the pledges manhandled Smoot end-to-end like a ruler, they marked each
length with chalk. The chalk marks were later replaced with painted marks on
the sidewalk. These were threatened by a reconstruction project until the city
decided that Smoot had "become part of the folklore" of the bridge. So the new
sidewalk was scored at 5-foot 7-inch intervals instead of the usual six feet.
Why was Smoot chosen to be immortalized in concrete? Smoot himself answered
this question at the dedication of the new sidewalk. "Out of the 14 pledges, I
had the distinction of being the shortest," he said.
From the back of a local T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
(or, for that matter, substitute CMU with the school of your disliking :-) )
English Professors' Comments To Students Papers
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - Ohio University
I am returning this note to you instead of your paper because it (your paper)
currently occupies the bottom of my birdcage. - Providence College
Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is not
original, and the part that is original is not good. - Samuel Johnson
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your
paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And
as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we
are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you
a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity. - from The Humanist
Association of Canada Spring 1992 Newsletter, which also noted "For writers only
- Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most. The
"Financial Times" has quoted the 'mother of all rejection slips', translated
from a Chinese economic journal."
How To Take Notes
When the professor says: You write:
Probably the greatest quality of the
poetry of John Milton, who was born
in 1608, is the combination of beauty John Milton - born 1608
and power. Few have excelled him in
the use of the English language, or
for that matter, in lucidity of verse
form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be
the greatest single poem ever written.
When Lafayette first came to this
country, he discovered America. The Lafayette discovered America
Americans needed his help if their
cause was to survive, and this he
promptly supplied them.
Current historians have come to doubt Most of the problems that now face the
the complete advantageousness of some United States are directly traceable to
of Roosevelt's policies. the bungling and greed of Roosevelt.
It is possible that we do not The professor is a communist.
understand the Russian viewpoint.
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of
incontestable; however, the corrosive steel.
residue is inharmonious with metallic
persistence.
The fine folks at Cliff Notes have put out a notes on _No_Exit_, a play which is
maybe ten pages long, and therefore capable of being read (if not understood) by
most high school sophomores on a half hour bus ride. One of the insightful
comments in the Notes is that "Sartre emphasizes the dark, dreary, depressing
side of Hell."
As opposed to what?!? The great nightlife?
Eternal Damnation: A Light-Hearted Look?
From Molly Ivins' column in the December issue of "The Progressive":
As part of [Harvard Business School dean John] McArthur's effort to weed out
people interested only in lucre, the admissions process now includes thirteen
questions and nine essays, rather than a standardized test, and takes hours to
complete. To make the cut, students must answer a few questions about ethics.
For example, they are asked to explain, in the application, how they managed
an ethical dilemma they have experienced. But according to Laura Gordon Fisher,
the school's admissions director, many students say they have never encountered
an ethical dilemma.
"It's amazing how many people admit they've never experienced a moral
dilemma," said Fisher. "Some applicants want to know if they should fabricate
one."
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and
talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing
them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of
'58."
Two pigeons were flying over a stadium when one looked down and said, "Look!
That's the Harvard/Yale football game going on down there. Who do you think
will win?"
The other bird said, "I dunno, but I just put everything I had on Yale."
Personnel officer: Where did you study accounting?
Applicant: In yale.
Personnel officer: Very good! Just the man we're looking for. You're hired.
What did you say your name was?
Applicant: Yackson, sir.
A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.
In my college dorm, we play 'Assassin,' like lots of students. Unlike most
people though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you
hit your target there's never an argument about whether you really hit them
because, well, they're covered with Silly String(tm).
But for those two weeks, you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, even
into classrooms where you're automatically safe. So there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String at
the ready while the professor lectured.
The class was Psychology Of Group Behavior and the professor was describing
our next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's dining-hall tray and start
eating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a group
norm blatantly and intentionally and then write a little two-page paper about
it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle, and gets up on the stage
with the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to
say everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down the
house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietly
not to wake up the other classes.
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What
is courage?" The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
As a student teacher in college, I received this list of "politically correct"
characteristics which help describe undesirable behavior to a child's parents.
Here are a few of the undesirable characteristics some children have and how
teachers are supposed to communicate the behavior without offending the parents:
Characteristic often difficult A positive and professional statement
to communicate to parents that communicates without offending
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Bully - Needs help in playing and working democratically with others.
Cheats - Needs help in learning to follow rules and standards of fair play.
Dirty - Needs guidance in development of good habits of health and hygiene.
Fights - Resorts to physical means of winning or attracting attention.
Lazy - Requires an unusual amount of supervision to get work completed.
Lies - Has difficulty in distinguishing between facts and imaginary events.
Selfish - Needs help in learning to enjoy sharing with others.
Steals - Needs help in learning to respect the property rights of others.
Swears - Needs help in learning to express himself in a more acceptable
vocabulary.
Bellevue, WA
There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the
woman who called wanting information on home schooling.
Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their
support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining
procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.
Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind
of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper
form.
The mother gave a Renton address.
The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in
Renton, the Lake Washington School District.
"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better
than Renton schools."
There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, COrnell, and
RIT. Each crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one
day.
At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He
asks, "How many telephone poles did you put up?"
"Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer.
"Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and
asks the same question.
"Twenty three" replies the COrnell engineer.
"Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and
again asks the question.
"Three" was the answer.
"You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven and
twenty three and you ony did three?"
"Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!"
From the Winnipeg Free Press:
Dateline: Ohio - Junior high school teacher Richard Ehret is now back at school
after being suspended for 10 days without pay for teaching the kids lines from
the book, Latin for All Occasions. Among the phrases he taught the students in
Latin: "You have a big piece of spinach on your front teeth," and "Your fly is
open."
What you have when everyone wears the same play clothes for all occasions, is
addressed by nickname, expected to participate in Show and Tell, and bullied out
of any desire for privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten. - Miss Manners
(Judith Martin)
Only Dweebs Read Books!
Originally posted annoynomously on the alt.drugs newsgroup
Responsible Fellow Travellers of A.D -
It has recently come to my attention that many of the "regulars" here on
alt.drugs have developed serious book habits. As a worker in library
automations systems, I have seen first hand the grisly damage caused the use of
books, the hollow, vacant staring eyes of the hard-core reader, broken down in
the corners of a public library; it's not pretty sight.
Statistics show that most Americans are well acquainted with the dangers of
books and wisely avoid their use, but here on alt.drugs, I've even seen
ostensibly responsible adults urging the naive and innocent youth of our nation
to indulge their lust for knowledge in the most wanton and irresponsible manner
possible, even publicly encouraging trips to libraries, reading books at night,
even periodicals and journal articles! And never a word of warning, to advise
these vulnerable youngsters of the wickedness, the lurking danger in books.
Don't you people see what happens to "readers"? It doesn't matter what you read,
even a "pamphlet", in "reader" street jargon, can spark your interest, and once
you're interested in something, it's all over; you'll be a reader for life,
quickly moving on to heavier stuff. Eventually, you might even end up reading
Heidegger or Proust!
Unfortunately, books have thoroughly saturated the very structures of our
society. But the Bible reassures us that eventually righteousness shall
prevail, and we WILL WIN THE WAR ON READERS! For it began with the fall from
grace, when A&E ate of the "Tree of Knowledge", a clear reference to their
immoral, wrong and perverse use of books! And so shall it end, when we return
the land to righteousness, severely restrict the use of dangerous books, and
burn those particularly damaging tracts which cannot be responsibly used by
anyone!
I know the skeptical among you may be thinking, "What a hypocrite! He works
for the library industry, he admits to having read the Bible! He's a reader
himself!" And all of that is true, but the crucial difference is that THE BIBLE
IS NOT REALLY A BOOK! Yes, it has many similar characteristics of a book, but
unlike harmful books like the Hobbit and Huck Finn (which should be banned
everywhere!) the Bible is far less likely to get you "interested". Most people
read the Bible for it's righteousness, not for it's content. With responsible
use, the Bible can be read safely without really causing interest or
enlightenment. Indeed, the Bible can hardly be characterized as a recreational
book; it's very hard to get even a giggle out of it, and most people never laugh
when reading the Bible.
Books should only be read in moderation, if at all, under the benevolent
guidance and care of the libraries. We should all look out for one another: if
you see a Reader on the street, report him to the authorities at once; if caught
early enough, some readers can be rehabilitated and reintegrated into polite
society. And if someone gives you a book, or even suggests that you read a
book, JUST SAY NO! Put it back on the shelf, brother! And support the fight
for de-literization. This country will be much safer and tidier when we've
finally rounded up all the book dealers and thrown them in jail and seized their
illicit private stashes of books! Remember, ONLY DWEEBS READ BOOKS! - Standing
Aboveus
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
The football team of Texas A&M took an IQ test. High point man was the Tackling
Dummy.
Fourth Law of Applied Educational Terror: The night before the English History
mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
What is the difference between a 4 year research grant and a 4 year athletic
scholarship?
The athletic scholarship comes with a grant of immunity.
"Explosive Liquid" Not Crystal Clear To NMSU Fraternity Brothers
Las Cruces Sun News, Friday, Feb 5, 1993
Some New Mexico State University fraternity brothers attempted to blow up
bottles of a clear liquid by throwing them off the roof of a two-story building
at 1804 Wyoming Wednesday, police said.
When the liquid would not blow up, they tried putting firecrackers in the
bottles to ignite the liquid; that didn't work either, said State Police Capt.
John McAninch, commander of the Las Cruces District.
The problem was the clear liquid was Crystal Pepsi, the new form of Pepsi
Cola, he said. Although the liquid was in clearly marked bottles, McAninch said
the students told him they didn't know what it was.
Mathematical Formula
lim (major) = P.E.
GPA-->0
My wife is an elementary school music specialist and she pointed this gem out to
me (reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter" (CTA means 'Classroom
Teacher's Association'):
The Lesson
Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him.
He taught them saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom
of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they
who thirst after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed
are they who suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Remember what I am telling you."
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we be tested on it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And the other disciples likewise.
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and
inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education
became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be
doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in
the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,
"Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"
The following wedding announcement appeared in our local newspaper about a year
ago. I think it's kinda funny, but that's probably because I've got an
engineering degree. :-)
Mr. and Mrs. Adam Ledford of Lincolnton announce the engagement and forthcoming
marriage of their daughter, Bridgett Ledford, to John May, both of Boone. Ms.
Ledford is an Appalachian State University graduate with a bachelor of science
degree in communications. She is a pharmacist technician at Boone Drug on
Deerfield road. May is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Tucker of Raleigh. He is
also an ASU graduate and has a bachelor of arts degree in philosophy and
religion. He is employed by Domino's Pizza.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
Quotes from Famous Economist:
Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting has to Agriculture.
Sports makes higher education palatable for students who do not belong.
- Veblen
Seen in a classified ad:
For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds
per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during
Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the
sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing
up there all by yourself."
A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary
drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class joker in the
front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"
The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I
strongly suspect
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