( Sung to the tune of "Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead" )

Ding-dong, the Kirk is gone.
Which old Kirk?
The bald old Kirk.
Ding-dong the bald old Kirk is gone.

Get up, call 911.
Is he bald?
His hair is gone.
Ding-dong the bald old Kirk is gone.

He goes to the Hair Club for Men,
again, again, again.
To get a good toupee,
and keep his girlfriend.
Ding-dong, the Kirk is gone.

Which old Kirk?
The fat old Kirk.
Ding-dong, the fat old Kirk is gone.

Shout out, throw back your head.
Is it true?
Yes, he's dead.
Ding-dong the fat old Kirk is dead.

He's gone to Cher's aerobics class,
He has, he has, he has.
To try to lose his weight,
and get his fans back.
Ding-dong, the Kirk is gone.

Which old Kirk?
Bad actor Kirk.
Ding-dong, bad actor Kirk is gone.

It just went to his head.
Is he done?
Yes, he's dead.
Ding-dong, bad actor Kirk is dead!