What did one cow say to the other cow? "Don't have a Bart, man!"

What do you call a cow that had an abortion? Decalfinated.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding."

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen, a local comic

What do you call a sleeping bull A bull-dozer.

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

From the Far Side Calander: Picture is a courtroom with a cow on the witness stand. "Look. We know how you did it. How is no longer the question. What we now want to know is 'Why?'. Why now, Brown Cow?"

Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" Frank says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian." A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" Frank says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" Frank says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" Frank says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."

A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too. He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

New York Times: May 30, 1911 (P. 3) Biplane Strikes Cow Aviator Falls From Seat And Machine Drags Across Country For Miles Los Angeles, Cal. May 29 [unreadable name] Williams who is trying for a license of an air pilot, struck a cow while sailing a biplane yesterday, and was hurled to the ground by the shock, while the machine was driven a distance of two miles without a pilot. Williams was flying about ten feet above the ground. Suddenly, as he passed over the brow of a hill, he came upon the cow, grazing peacefully. Some part of the machine struck her, knocking her several feet and turning her over and over. Williams tumbled from his seat, but was unhurt. The machine was finally halted by a haystack. When friends of Williams in an automobile reached the machine the propeller was still running.

New York Times: Oct. 17, 1911 (P. 5) [Cal Rodgers was the first person to fly across the United States and thus attracted the curiosity of many people and other life forms who had never before seen a airplane. Rodgers' machine was specially built for him by the Wright Brothers and looked quite similar to their machine at Kitty Hawk] Rodgers Is Delayed By Engine Trouble Aviator Stops at McAlester, Okla., and Will Start for Fort Worth, Texas, To-day. Much Amused By Cows Rodgers Sees a Herd Watching Him as He Passes Overhead -- His Flight from New York By C. P. Rodgers (The following is an excerpt from a longer article) It was amusing to see the people running out to see me. They were on top of everything that had any elevation. This is a good flying country, fairly level, although there are some places with odd patches, which caused me to fly higher, so as to plan for landing. Passing a field with four of five cows in it, I noticed that even they began to stare at me. It seemed funny to me, for it is usually hard to attract a cow's attention with anything.

From a Reuter bulletin: Twenty-two pregnant cows worth more than $2,000,000 were electrocuted in a freak accident in England when lightning struck a metal pen they were housed in. "I have heard of odd cows being struck by lightning, but never this many in one go before," said chief herdsman Les Timbrell.

The largest source of methane in the atmosphere is gas expelled by bovines (cattle) during excretion.

A Colorado State University animal nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane gas PER DAY, resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS! Don't light a match around a cow and never allow a cow inside your sleeping bag!!

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has reported that burping cows are the number one source of air pollution in the United States. EPA test results show that American cows blissfully belch 50 million tons of hydrocarbon into the air annually. However, the EPA estimates that if a way existed for controlling the hydrocarbon-rich belches of just 10 cows for 1 year, enough gas would be provided to satisfy the space heating, water heating, and cooking requirements for an average American house. A veterinarian has said that since cows produce up to three quarts of gas per minute, they NEED to belch. Otherwise, "If it can't burp," the vet said, "its stomach can explode within the hour." He was referring to a story concerning a New Zealand farmer who purchased a cow, which he and his family were admiring, when suddenly, without warning, the cow "exploded before their eyes, spattering into a million bits of flesh and bone and drenching them all in blood.

I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"