Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
      by Richard Lederer

     Most  language  is  spoken  language,  and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with language
spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve  every statement made
during the proceedings.

     Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the  National  shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

 Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
 A.  Borofkin.
 Q.  What's his first name?
 A.  I can't remember.
 Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
     remember his first name?
 A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
     chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
     tell them your first name!
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 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
 A.  I refuse to answer that question.
 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
 A.  I refuse to answer that question.
 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
 A.  No.
 ****************************************************************
 Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
 A.  By death.
 Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Ms, were you cited in the accident?
 A.  Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
 A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  What is your name?
 A.  Ernestine McDowell.
 Q.  And what is your marital status?
 A.  Fair.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Are you married?
 A.  No, I'm divorced.
 Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
 A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
 A.  My ex-widow said it.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
 A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
     Dr. Cherney,  and said he was really good.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
 A.  I will be three months November 8th.
 Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
 A.  Yes.
 Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
 A.  I should be.
 Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
 A.  Four times.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Were you acquainted with the defendant?
 A.  Yes, sir.
 Q.  Before or after he died?
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
     influence?
 A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
     words.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  What happened then?
 A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
     identify me."
 Q.  Did he kill you?
 A.  No.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
     deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
  *****************************************************************
 THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
            information from your minds, if you have any.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
 A.  No.
 Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
 A.  Picking them up in the air.
 Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
 A.  Attached to the ears.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
     were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
     her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
     you and she, with him to the station? 
     MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
     shot.
 *****************************************************************
 Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?What
     school do you go to?
 A.  Oral.
 Q.  How old are you?
 A.  Oral.
 *******************************
 Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
 A: She is my daughter.
 Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
 *****************************************************************
 Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
    there was a victim?
 *******************************
 Q: ...and what did he do then?
 A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
 Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
 *******************************
 Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
    you observe with respect to your scalp?
 A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
 Q: It was covered?
 A: Yes, bandaged.
 Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
 A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
    put on top of my head.
 *******************************
 Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
 A: I could see his head.
 Q: And where was his head?
 A: Just above his shoulders.
 *******************************
 Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
    this defendant?
 A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
    sonofabitch- and she did!
 *******************************
 Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
 A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty
    drunk.
 *******************************
 Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
    murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
 A: The victim lived.
 *******************************
 Q: Are you sexually active?
 A: No, I just lie there.
 *******************************
 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
 *******************************
 Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
    unbiased,objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the
    whole ordeal?
 A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
 *******************************
 Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
 A: It indicates intercourse.
 Q: Male sperm?
 A. That is the only kind I know.
 ************************************************
 Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
 A: Yes, sir.
 Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
 *******************************
 Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
 A: I have only one, you know.