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Corporate Buzzwords

 

Blamestorming:  Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was 
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:  Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on 
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over  
everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant:  An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee 
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:  An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters:  People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato:  The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging:  When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube 
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs:  What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them 
stops working to stay home with the kids.  Stands for Single Income, Two 
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird:  To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage:  A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no 
kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy:  A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out:  An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because 
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists:  People who take training classes just to get a vacation from 
their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just 
tourists."

Treeware:  Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy:  Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal:  Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. 
Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have 
snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek:  The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an 
office or work group.  "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and 
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa:  Chips = hardware, Salsa = software.  "Well, first we gotta 
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk:  Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to 
leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job:  A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job.  A well-paying job people take in order  
to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent 
again.

Irritainment:  Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you 
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime 
example.

Percussive Maintenance:  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an 
electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled:  Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voicemail of a Vice 
President at a downsizing computer firm:  "You have reached the number of an 
uninstalled Vice President.  Please dial our main number and ask the 
operator for assistance."  See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:  The taxing hand positions required to reach all the 
appropriate keys for certain commands.  For instance, the warm re-boot for a 
Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the 
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

This article was added to LaughNet on Sunday 02 December, 2007.


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