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SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
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Drink fails to | Mouth not open | Buy another pint and practice in |
give satisfaction | while drinking OR | front of mirror. Continue with |
and taste. Shirt | glass being applied | as many pints as necessary until |
front is wet. | to wrong part of | drinking technique is perfect. |
| face. | |
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Drinking gives no | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you |
satisfaction and | | another pint. |
taste. Glass is | | |
unusually pale | | |
and clear. | | |
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Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty. | Turn glass the other way up, so |
| | that the open end is pointing at |
| | the ceiling. |
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Feet warm and wet | Incorrect bladder | Stand next to nearest dog. After |
| control. | a while, complain to dog's owner |
| | about the lack of house training |
| | and demand a pint as |
| | compensation |
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Bar blurred | You are looking | Find someone who will buy you |
| through the bottom | another pint. |
| of an empty glass. | |
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Bar Swaying | Air turbulence is | Insert broom handle down back of |
| unusually high. May | jacket. |
| be due to darts | |
| match. | |
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Bar Moving | You are being | Find out if you are being taken |
| carried out. | to another pub, if you're not |
| | complain loudly that you're |
| | being hijacked by the salvation |
| | army. |
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You notice the | You have fallen | If your glass is full and no one |
wall opposite is | over backwards. | is standing on your drinking arm |
covered with | | then stay put. |
ceiling tiles | | |
and strip lights. | | |
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Everything has | You have fallen | As for falling backwards. |
gone dim, and you | over forwards. | |
have a mouthful | | |
of broken teeth | | |
and dog ends. | | |
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Everthing has | The bar is closing. | PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
gone dark. | | |
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You wake up to | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is |
find your bed | night in the gutter. | opening time - if not then treat |
cold, hard and | | yourself to a lie-in. |
wet. You can't | | |
see your bedroom | | |
walls ceiling. | | |
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