[H&R  Block,  editor's  note:   The  following  is  a real letter
      submitted to the IRS in  the  midst  of  last  year's  weird  and
      bizarre  denial  of  dependents,  exemptions,  and  credits.   We
      believe the letter speaks for itself.]


      Dear Sirs:

      I  am  responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
      the three dependents I claimed on my  1994  Federal  Tax  return.
      Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
      for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since
      they  are  minors  and  not my responsibility that the government
      (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these  waifs)  knows
      something  about them and what to expect over the next year.  You
      may apply next year to reassign them  to  me  and  reinstate  the
      deduction. This year they are yours!

      The  oldest,  Kristen,  is  now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!  I
      suggest you put her to work in your office where she  can  answer
      people's  questions about their returns.  While she has no formal
      training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any  other
      subject you can name.  Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is
      going to college. I think it's wonderful that  you  will  now  be
      responsible  for  that  little expense.  While you mull that over
      keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the  moment
      so   you  have  the  immediate  decision  of  appropriating  some
      Department of Defense funds to fix  the  vehicle  or  getting  up
      early  to drive her to school.  Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh
      joy.  While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe,  her
      alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her
      of the virtues of abstinence, and in  the  face  of  overwhelming
      passion,  safe  sex.  This is always uncomfortable and I am quite
      relieved you will be handling this in the future.  May I  suggest
      that  you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle
      on the problem.

      Patrick  is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes
      are a little close together for normal people.  He may be  a  tax
      examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In
      February I was awakened at three  in  the  morning  by  a  police
      officer  who  was  bringing  Pat  home.   He and his friends were
      TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to  the
      local  IRS  office  or  to  Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do almost
      anything on a dare.  His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary
      dye,  what's  the  big deal?  Learn to deal with it.  You'll have
      plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days  of  school  after
      instigating  a  food  fight.  I'll take care of filing your phone
      number with the vice principal.   Oh  yes,  he  and  all  of  his
      friends  have raging hormones.  This is the house of testosterone
      and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.  DO
      NOT  leave  any  of  them  unsupervised  with  girls, explosives,
      inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or  telephones.   (I'm  sure
      that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement,
      and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

      Heather  is  an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared
      quite by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours. She  is  10
      going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears
      tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks  like  Tiny
      Tim's.   Fortunately  you will be raising my taxes to help offset
      the pinch of her remedial reading courses.  Hooked On Phonics  is
      expensive  so the schools dropped it.  Good news!  You can buy it
      yourself for half the  amount  of  the  deduction  that  you  are
      denying!  It's  quite  obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
      the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new  level
      of  terror.   She cannot speak English.  Most people under twenty
      understand  the  curious  patois  she  fashioned  out  of  valley
      girls/boys  in  the  hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.  I
      don't.  The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has  her
      roll  her  R's.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
      voice.  She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and  wants  one  of
      her  ears  pierced  four more times.  There is a fascination with
      tattoos that worries me but I am sure that  you  can  handle  it.
      Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in
      her room and I think that it would be easier to move  the  entire
      thing than find out what it is really made of.

      You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get
      to pick which two you will take.  I  prefer  that  you  take  the
      youngest,  I  will  still  go bankrupt with Kristen's college but
      then I am free!  If you take the two oldest  then  I  still  have
      time  for  counseling  before Heather becomes a teenager.  If you
      take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick
      in  a  military  academy.  Please let me know of your decision as
      soon as possible as I have already increased the  withholding  on
      my  W-4  to  cover  the $395 in additional tax and to make a down
      payment on an airplane.

      Yours Truly,

      Robert W.


      

      Sometimes you just can't get a break.