Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal.  These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names.  As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1.  Don't talk to somebody you don't know.  You may chat quietly with an
    acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2.  A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
    significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc.  Zit popping is only
    permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3.  No profanity of any kind.  This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4.  If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
    looking around.  Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5.  All graffiti is anonymous.  If there's any chance somebody can trace your
    graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6.  Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
    nobody can see you.  Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7.  If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
    ethnic/racial/sexual groups.  If the bathroom is used by a small few,
    restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries.  If
    visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
    the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8.  Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
    Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
    Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9.  Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
    of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
    When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle.  Avoid
    standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

    For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
    X......    (X = occupied, . = empty)
    X.....X
    X..X..X
    X.X.X.X
    XXX.X.X  [-- These are only acceptable when significant
    XXX.XXX  [-- "privacy" dividers are available.  If the
    XXXXXXX  [-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall.  Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
    what you're doing.  Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional.  Over time, the water will become a rich orange.  At
    this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
    Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs.  Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms.  New rules apply
    for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
       around.  If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
       presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil.  Use them only if
    absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
    Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
    remainder of your party before you begin.  Check carefully that you aren't
    near any sort of animal or insect den.  Ants are especially bad.  If you
    forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide.  Poison oak makes a
    poor substitute.

Pissing Tips for "Real Men"  (Addendum To The Above Rules)

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close
   to someone, they will think that you are gay.  If you stand too far away from
   someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only.  Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.

c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"

d. Don't look.  Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels.  Walking out with wet hands into
   the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.