Suggested Theme Music - Oh Little Town of Commercialism
(formerly known as Bethlehem)

Dear Lord,

Let us pray.  As the Christmas shopping season draws near, please bless
our automobiles so we can find the perfect parking space right in front
of the door at the Holy Temple we call the Mall.  And protect our most
sacred automobiles from getting door dings from all the other idiots
trying to park a Ford Escalade in a compact space.  And Jesus, please
let the Heathens who double park get towed.

Please give me the speed to dodge the perfume people at the cosmetics
department when they try to spray some foul smelling scent on me so I
won't smell like the Whore of Babylon.  And Lord, please use your
almighty powers to divide the slow moving mall walkers who are
strolling four abreast the same way Moses parted the Red Sea so I can
pass through with haste.

Dear Lord I pray that you keep the women with crying babies in
strollers at home on the day I go to the mall.  That way they won't
be able to completely block the aisle I'm in and give me that evil
look when I say, "Excuse me."

Jesus, please prevent the women in the changing room from getting
makeup all over the clothes my girlfriend wants to try on.  She hates
finding base on the collar of the only cute outfit that fits her in the
whole damn store.

God in Heaven, as we walk though the valley in the Shadow of Death
known as Crabtree Valley Mall, let the store we want to shop in be less
crowded than the rest.  Let the items we want to buy be in stock, and
put them on a special 25% off sale.  That way we can justify spending
more money on ourselves and get that cool robot vacuum cleaner at the
Sharper Image store.

Lord, please give us the strength in our time of need to elbow out the
competition at the toy store in order to get the last "hot Christmas
toy" for our spoiled rotten kids who think money grows on trees.  Let
us find the one register at the mall that doesn't have a long line
filled with old people that want to pay with a check and can't
remember where they put their ID.

Jesus, please take control of the music played on the intercom at the
Mall.  If I have to hear the 12 Days of Christmas one more time I am
going to F#$%ing choke somebody.

Lord, please watch over us in our time of need.  Let the person working
our register forget that they are supposed to ask us if we would like
to apply for an in-store credit card to save an additional 10% on our
purchase.  King of Kings, surely even you are tired of being asked that
God forsaken question.

Jesus Christ, in your name, and the all mighty dollar we pray.  Amen,
and Good Credit for all.