Dear Mom,

 I hope you and dad are having a Merry Christmas.  This year I decided
to do something a bit different and fry our turkey whole.  I am in a
newsgroup on the Internet that just could not say enough about how
great they taste fried.  I even got a recipe from one of the members.
It went something like this: 

1 turkey plucked and gutted - leave feet for holding turkey

5 gallon bucket peanut oil

1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees 

That didn't sound too complicated, and even though I've had several
kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be a festive way
to celebrate Christmas. Besides, we could do the deed outside on our
wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in the kitchen.  What could go
wrong? I couldn't find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The
butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen
ones that was on sale.  I figured a meat man should know, so I got
one. Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen turkey?  It's a
week-long job.  I figured the hot grease would do the trick anyhow, so
why worry.  Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the
other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking oil is cooking
oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just fine. Heating it was a
bit tricky as it kept smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside,
I thought the smoke wouldn't hurt anything. Now this is the part you
won't believe! I threw that turkey in the pot and when the thing
thawed out the oil boiled over on the wooden deck and caught the deck
on fire! We got the garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to
put water on a grease fire? It didn't really matter anyhow.  In all
the excitement I forgot to watch the cooking thermometer and the
grease must have become too hot.  I was inside the house looking for
the fire extinguisher when I heard the explosion. Have you ever seen a
mushroom cloud?  It was incredible! After the fire department left, we
decided to eat dinner out next year. Not only was our Christmas dinner
ruined, but the deck burned down and took half the garage with it. The
dog will be just fine when his fur grows back. We've always wanted a
Mexican hairless dog anyhow. The fire department told us they make a
lot of house calls about this time of the year from people frying
turkeys who don't know what they are doing. Like, is it my fault that
the grease was cheap and the stupid turkey wouldn't thaw out? They
need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys! Speaking of the
turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it may have blown to bits
as we've looked all over the neighborhood. If you see a turkey shaped
cloud of ash circling the earth, that's probably it. By the way, you
may see us on the evening news on TV.  A lot of people thought it was
a terrorist attack.  I only hope we have not been reported to the FBI.
Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I don't
think the house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of
smoke damage. We are moving to a motel.  Do you think we could come to
your house for Christmas this year?  You weren't planning on frying a
turkey, were you?

Love,
Greg